Scent-sational.

Wanna smell like Britney Spears? Probably not, given she’s married to dirty Kevin Federline and the mother of a newborn baby. But if those things, plus crème brulee, black vanilla bean, sandalwood and musk, do it for you, you may want to rush out this April to get her new, limited edition fragrance, In Control Curious. In addition to the yummy dessert flavors, the scent also features the aroma of loquat fruit and of midnight orchid, perfect for wearing when trying to entice your munchie-lovin’ hubby away from Club PopoZao. Sounds perfect for when you want to get in the zone.

Paging Trevor Penick.

“Dan comes over today!” Ashley announces at the start of last night’s There and Back. Hmm, was Jacob unavailable for Ashley’s latest home improvement project? While this might be the case, it’s not the reason for former O-Town band mate Dan Miller’s visit. Seems Dan is in town to perform in a “Boys of Summer” concert, one that also includes Jordan Knight of New Kids on the Block and Jeff Timmons of 98 Degrees. And why not, as long as he’s around, take this opportunity to hang at Casa Angel? It’s not like he has anything else to do, especially since we later find out that, unbeknownst to Dan, the concert for that evening has been cancelled. Ouch!

Screen freeze! When the concert cancellation revelation is confirmed on the Internet, King-of-the-Obvious Ashley leans in from the background and tells the audience, “This is awkward. We used to sell out our tours and now this? Poor Dan. What do I say? Do I change the subject and compliment his hat? Should we watch more O-Town videos? I don’t know, that might make him feel worse.” Dan clearly shares my opinion that waxing poetic about the glory days of O-Town may not necessarily do the trick, cuts his visit short and leaves soon after.

Ashley returns to reality and remembers he’s still poor. He suggests to Tiffany and her mother that they throw a yard sale for some extra cash. Tiff isn’t a fan of the idea, not wanting to because, as she says, “I don’t want to be sitting outside like a bunch of trailer trash.” Because being an unwed mother dating an ex-boy band member and living in a rented home with him and your mother means your better than that. Obviously. Customer Marilyn makes off with the yard sale’s best find, an unopened, autographed Asian edition of the first O-Town album. Tiff’s mom makes off with a hangover.

$154.50 richer, Ashley heads over to Shep Solomon’s house to meet with producer Tom Meredith. There, he reminds us, the audience, again that he and Tiffany are – gasp! – about to have a baby! Just in case we’ve forgotten.

While Ashley’s off recording, Tiff works on organizing his surprise 24th birthday party. In the midst of her planning, she bursts into tears, stressed at handling the details and stressed over the fact that she’s still pregnant (yet smart enough to know that the audience can probably see that without her spelling it out for us). When her mother tries to comfort her, Tiff claims the baby “hears everything that’s going on and is scared.” Of what? The fact that they announced earlier that he’s going to be named Lyric? Or that his father probably sings him to sleep with Liquid Dreams?

Surprise! No, not Ashley’s silly party, but the guests! Not only has Jacob ventured back to the house of his handiwork, but Erik-Michael Estrada, yet another O-Townie, has risen from obscurity to celebrate the festivities with his boy band buddies, his gal pal Kirsten Storms (Maxie on General Hospital) and, inexplicably, a monkey.

That Tiffany sure knows how to throw a party.

The mother (and daughter) of it all.

The whine is over! Hold on, correction…the wait is over. The Gastineau Girls: The Complete First Season is now available on DVD for your viewing pleasure. Relive the adventures, or lack thereof, of mother and daughter team Lisa and Brittny as they struggle through life’s never-ending challenges. Will Brittny, per the advice of her modeling agent, cut her hair? No. Will Lisa, per the advice of her career counselor, get a job? No. Will they be back for a second season? Yes, currently airing on Tuesday nights.

In addition to getting to experience the trials and tribulations of these two below D-list celebrities at your convenience, the DVD also features extended scenes (in case those in each episode left you hungry for more), outtakes (yes, there were shots that didn’t make the cut) and commentary on what’s really happening on each installment (if you don’t pay close attention, you could be missing something really, like, important). In other words, or in Lisa’s words, amazing.

Have a taste.

The creator of Love Potion beauty products thinks it’s time Jessica Simpson gets her just desserts. New York Post’s Page Six reports that Mara Fox, who created and introduced her line of Love Potion products over 15 years ago, has filed a lawsuit against Jess and her partners, Sephora and D’Lish Fragrance, for trademark infringement. The particular product in question? Jess’s Deliciously Kissable Love Potion, which Ms. Fox believes is considerably too close to the products of her own brand. Why this woman decided that now was the right time to pursue legal action seems a bit suspicious, given Jess’s sweet treats launched back in April 2004. Perhaps she’s confused by the double-entendre Dessert tag line -“you wear it, then share it?”

Cuts like a knife.

First she can’t keep her food down, now she can’t maintain her footing. Both the Star Magazine and the New York Daily News have reported Lindsay Lohan spent Friday afternoon in a London hospital, receiving ten stitches for a cut on her shin. Lindsay, who was staying with friends at singer Bryan Adams’s London mansion, slipped while carrying a teacup. The teacup shattered and a piece gashed Lindsay’s leg. The Canadian rocker, reportedly a family friend since working with Lindsay a few years back, had given Lindsay and her hangers-on permission to crash at his place while in London, as he was out of town during the incident (bet he’s regretting that big time now). Lindsay was released from the hospital that same day and spent the remainder of the afternoon shopping and touring London. Let’s hope one of her purchases was a replacement teacup.

Chilled out.

First NYLA, now JJ Chill. Perhaps the Spears family should reconsider their expertise as restaurateurs before entering into such a competitive field. For the second time in recent years, they’ll be forced to shut down another venue. Star Magazine reports that JJ Chill, the smoothie store that Britney purchased back in 2004 for her recovering alcoholic father Jamie, has closed it’s doors to customers. In an interview with Star, the property’s landlord stated, "Jamie served a lot of icies — cups of flavored ice — and people don't eat icies when it's cold. So when the weather turned chilly recently, people stopped going there. The place just wasn't getting enough customers.”

Duh. Fortunately, Britney’s papa has things to fall back on. He’s (inexplicably) employed as the private chef for the Maloof family, owner of Las Vegas’s famed Palms Hotel and Casino, and, in conjunction with them, helped develop and launch the recent Palms Play Poker at Home DVD. No word on whether one of his specialties in an icie.

A little Laguna.

MTV News reports in the March issue of Teen People, Laguna Beach star Kristin Cavallari confesses that she’s tried cocaine. She tells the magazine, “"It was fun for, like, 20 minutes, but the next day, I just didn't feel good about myself. It's a dirty drug. I find people who do coke to be very shady, that they're doing it makes them lie about things. I wouldn't want to date someone who's into it." Shady? Really? Some might say that it calls into question at what point Kristin actually tried the drug, given her own arguably shady behavior on several LB episodes. Kristin now reportedly steers clear of such instances and influences and is dating star of cancelled reality series failure The Princes of Malibu Brody Jenner.

You can find out how much you’re like Kristin on the Teen People website (www.teenpeople.com) by taking the “How Laguna Beach Are You?” quiz (I’m, surprisingly, only a little Laguna). The quiz does not, however, gage your shadiness factor when it comes to past experiences with cocaine.

Definitely not one of Charlie’s Angels.

Paging Dr. Michael Mancini – producer Aaron Spelling could use your advice. In story straight out , the mega-producer is being sued for sexual harassment, retaliation, wrongful termination and sexual battery by Charlene Richards, a nurse he used to employ. She claims that the mogul groped her, exposed himself and boasted of sexual relationships he’s had in the past with various actresses, much to her dismay and discomfort.

Ironically, though, while she claims these alleged actions caused great stress, it wasn’t enough for Nurse Richards to keep them to herself. Last November, Florence Nightingale, in yet another move she probably learned from , attempted to blackmail Mr. Spelling, claiming she’d make his supposed behavior public if he didn’t show her the money. To which he replied with his own lawsuit, accusing the nurse of defamation of character and violation of a confidentiality agreement. In the lawsuit, he claims that her “goal in life is to find a rich man to support her in a lavish manner.”

Representatives for Mr. Spelling are confident he will be vindicated from these accusations. The same cannot be said, though, for charges related to nepotism and the quality of the series Models, Inc.

Ask her if she wants to stay awhile.

Jessica Simpson is sharing sweet kisses with Adam Levine, lead singer of the band Maroon 5. This hook up has been rumored to be going on for quite some time, much to the dismay of Jessica’s camp, all of whom are working furiously to protect what’s left of her public persona and popularity from the Newlyweds days. In today’s New York Post Page Six, a source claims to have seen Jess slip away from whatever she was doing at Hollywood’s Chateau Marmont to Adam’s room, not to be seen again until the following morning when she was picked up by pretend assistant CaCee Cobb. And despite the many pictures that have surfaced, showing Jess doing the walk of shame in her clothes from the previous evening with leaving the hotel, her camp continues to deny that she and Adam are making any beautiful music together.

Papa Joe must be fuming. But isn’t this the sort of behavior that you always hear minister’s daughters are taking part in? Staying out all night, breaking all the rules…I bet now that Jessica’s walking on the wild side, he’s regretting not keeping things at 98 Degrees.

Biggest disappointment.

You are not the biggest loser. And neither are you. Or you. Or any of the other 1,497 people who showed up Thursday at a San Diego Dave & Buster’s restaurant for an open casting call for weight-loss wonder show The Biggest Loser. Neither the dining establishment, nor NBC who produces the show, expected such a large turnout, one so massive the hopefuls could not be accommodated. In a statement last night, NBC publicist Joanne Park said, “"Today's San Diego casting call for The Biggest Loser had to be cancelled due to the overwhelming response from potential candidates for the show." Now that’s what I bet Dave & Buster’s calls a big loss.

Naked, fat guy moves into small prison cell.

It looks like the snake won’t be able to slither out of this one. Richard Hatch, winner of the first season on Survivor, has been found guilty of failing to pay taxes on his $1 million television prize. Sneaky has ever, Richard was also busted for not paying taxes on some $300,000 plus earned as a radio talk show host and on some $28,000 in rent for a property he owned. His reasons for the oversight(s)? Richard was confused and is just a really bad bookkeeper. See, all of this is just a big misunderstanding.

Still, the presiding judge had little sympathy for Big Rich, currently housed in a detention center in Central Falls, Rhode Island until sentencing in April. While it’s unfortunate this change in venue will keep him away from his new Argentinean husband, the judge seemed to think it would reduce the risk of flight, especially given Richard’s passport has mysteriously gone missing along with the tax money he never paid up. Too bad he couldn’t plead his case at Tribal Council.

Jive talkin’.

In the never-ending saga that is the marriage of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline come reports of more trouble in paradise. For reasons unfathomable to just about anyone, Jive Records, Britney’s label offered to sign K-Fed and produce his laughable debut album, the National Enquirer reports. As many industry experts have pointed out in recent weeks, K-Fed’s notoriety would, pretty much, ensure the album makes the label that distributes it a pretty penny, despite Kevin’s horrific sound and nonsensical lyrics.

But the Fedster, according to the article, turned Jive down, claiming he doesn’t want a deal with the label simply because they’re loyal to cash cow Britney or because they pity him and his struggle to find a distributor. He’s convinced that he knows best what to do when it comes to his music and resents Brit’s attempts to help him jump-start his career in the music industry.

Word to your mother.

Oh no, she didn’t.

Rumors are flying that not everyone is happy about supposed-new couple Nicole Richie and Steve-O. And no, I’m not talking about Lionel, Nicole’s father (although if I were him, I think I’d be a bit concerned), but The Real World Las Vegas’s Trishelle Cannatella. A recent posting on www.PerezHilton.com claims that Sleaze-O and Trashelle were a pair before Nicole and DJ AM ended their engagement and Nicole became available. And the de-coupling of two of MTV’s skankiest characters came as a surprise to at least one of the two involved in the relationship itself - seems Trishelle is devastated that she's been dumped by yet another reality star (A la Steven? And the Miz?).

This is what happens when people stop being polite. And start being real.

Bombs away.

The apartment complex itself wasn’t the only thing that blew up on Melrose Place. After 13 years of marriage, Josie Bissett and Rob Estes, who played Jane Andrews Mancini and Kyle McBride on the Fox series, are divorcing. And, in typical Melrose fashion, it doesn’t sound like the split is amicable. According to a report by The Insider, Rob claims Josie was the one to initiate the divorce and that she had “decided to move on to greener pastures.” Ouch. Bitter much? The couple's most recent collaboration was a made-for-television movie called “I Do, I Don’t.” Talk about foresight.

Picture this.

Looking to bury your nose in a good book? Soon you’ll be able to do it the Kate Moss way. People Magazine reports that she’ll receive a cool (yet unconfirmed) $1.8 million from the publishing division of Richard Branson’s Virgin Books to publish her autobiography. Kate will use the book, in particular, to come clean, so to speak, about her recent drug-related activities and subsequent trip to rehab. You know what they say – a picture’s worth a thousand words. Wonder if she really needs that many tell her side of the story from the pictures seen 'round the world.

GoTrump or stay home.

When you want first class service, you want to GoTrump.com. On Tuesday, Donald Trump announced his most recent venture in an attempt to further publicize the Trump brand name – his own travel planning web site, backed by the power of already-established Travelocity. At a press conference to reveal his latest venture, the Donald was quoted as saying, “There's nobody better, there's nobody even close.”

And why, you may ask, is there nobody better, nobody even close? The Trump Deal Guarantee, obviously. The Donald himself promises that if you find a lower online rate for a hotel you’ve booked through GoTrump.com on a competitor site, he’ll match that rate and cut you a check for 20% of the difference. When you travel “Trump Style,” the Donald says, you travel how you want and when you want, just like the Donald himself does. Although I find it hard to believe that traveling Trump Style means you may be flying on AirTran Airlines or staying at a Howard Johnson…

Idol chatter.

Am I the only one who made the connection between last night’s American Idol contestant Tyra and MTV’s Making the Band, season three? Given my obsession with the latter program, I just might be, but imagine my surprise when one of Diddy’s early castoffs auditioned for Simon, Randy and Paula…and got through! Tyra, a 24-year-old from New York, who spent the minutes before her audition telling Ryan Seacrest about her recent string of back luck, sang “In the Still of the Night,” after which the judges complimented her tone and her ability to maintain control, what they assumed was a result of some vocal coaching.

This was quite a different audition experience from Tyra’s Making the Band days, where she flubbed her first attempt at impressing Doc, Phil and Laurie Ann, but managed to squeak by on her second try, only to cut by Diddy shortly thereafter. Cold-hearted snake.

Who’s having fun?

“So here’s what’s up: money is still tight – no surprise there. And Tiff has been…well, a little emotional. But some great stuff has happened. I’ve been meeting new producers and I feel like my songs and getting stronger every day. At least I hope so.”

Thus Ashley explains at the start of last’s night There and Back. Um, self-obsessed much? To paraphrase - - there’s no extra cash to burn and Tiffany’s whining, but hey, things are looking up for him. And isn’t really all about Ashley, anyway? Clearly, he thinks so, a theme that’s woven throughout the third episode, recapped below:

Ashley and Tiffany visit Dr. Ewertz, the ob/gyn, where we learn that she’s supposed to be on bed rest. When questioned by the doctor, Ashley graciously answers on behalf of Tiffany (translation: jumps in before she can actually reply herself) and says, “It’s been real hard…’cause she wants to be doing things, you know? And so it’s hard for her to lay there.” I will skip the obvious snide remark I can make here and move on, as Ashley already has popped out of the now-frozen background to further explain to us that trying to stop Tiffany from doing what she wants to do (e.g., avoid bed rest) is really hard for him. Poor Ashley. I mean, it’s not like Tiffany’s feeling any pain and call, carrying his unborn child and the burden of being tied to an ex-O Town band member for the rest of her life.

“I’m gonna try to be there for you in every way I can be,” Ashley assures Tiffany when the doctor leaves. Um, try? Because you aren’t sure you can be there for the mother of your unborn child? Like you might have something better to do in her time of need? Which he clearly does…

…As he’s soon off to hang with a new songwriter pal, Xandy Barry. Apparently, the two “vibe” (Ashley’s words) and he “digs him” (again, Ashley’s words, not mine). And is good that there’s such a connection there, because Ashley proceeds to whine to his new buddy that it’s hard for him to focus, with all these things going on in his life. But new-best-bud Xandy reassures Ash that he should “Let it all out….it’ll all come out in these awesome tunes.” Gnarly.

The return of the bizarre rooster cell phone ring/alarm! Where did Ashley get that? And why is that the ringer of choice? He wakes up to find Tiffany has –gasp!- escaped. Her uber-helpful and very observant mother confirms, yep, Tiff’s not there – she might have gone out to get coffee or something. Because obviously, that’s what pregnant women restricted to bed rest do - - drive off alone to go purchase and consume caffeinated beverages. Duh.

Ashley drives off to search for Tiffany, visibly distressed and melodramatic. Based on where he looks, and the intensity with which he squints, he seems to think she’ll be at the cleaners or at Baskin-Robbins. Ever the elusive one, Tiffany is not found with plastic-wrapped garments or mint chocolate chip ice cream.

Tiffany returns home. After much eye-rolling by her and grandiose posturing by Ashley, order is restored. Shortly after which Ashley plays producer pal Xandy a song, via cell phone, inspired by his and Tiffany’s recently rocky relationship. Ash confesses he can share his relationship woes with barely-an-acquaintance-Xandy because they’re tight like that. After all, they vibe.

Another visit to Dr. Ewertz, who tells Tiffany that she no longer has to be confined to bed. To which Tiffany replies, “Can we take him out?” For a moment, given his self-absorbed behavior this episode, you may not be sure if she’s referring to Ashley or her baby, but she soon clarifies that, claiming she just can’t be pregnant any longer (alas, the baby). When the answer is no, Tiffany sobs.

Ashley checks his Bank of America account online, only to discover that his balance is a negative $27.17. The background freezes and Ashley announces, to us audience members, that this is the second time in recent months he’s had to ask to borrow money again. I myself am not surprised that he has to borrow money, but am surprised that this is only the second time. He tells Tiff’s mom that he’s just had a rude awakening and announces his current account balance (or lack thereof). Is this really the rude awakening part? Was it not a surprise when the account hit zero mark? Did it really need to reach negative proportions to become cause for concern? Mom, as Ashley calls her, comes to the rescue with her severance money, which she’s been hanging on to, probably suspecting it might come in handy. Ash thanks her profusely and promises his album will be successful. What a relief – I wonder if that approach would have worked to get a loan from Bank of America. Not.

“Is everything ever going to be back the way it was before?” Tiffany asks. “Yeah,” Ashley answers, “except we’re gonna have a baby. And he’s gonna be awesome.” If I didn’t feel Tiffany’s pain before, I do now. You’re beyond poor, you’re boyfriend is obsessed with reclaiming the success of his boy band days, the two of you live with your mother and are about to bring a baby into this world.

Awesome is right.

My Family, Mi Familia.

MSNBC is reporting that Jennifer Lopez and greasy-looking husband Marc Anthony may be awaiting a visit from the stork. The “reliable” source, who delivered this bundle to MSNBC, based it on the fact that the two have apparently done quite a bit of baby shopping, including clothes and accessories, in the last week. At Fred Segal, nonetheless, because, as we all know, Fred Segal is synonymous with infant wear. Because love don’t cost a thing.

The couple have not been reached for comment.

Casualties of love.

For those of you who couldn’t get enough of those made-for-television movies back in the early 1990s, you’ll soon be able to witness the reunion of Joey Buttafuoco, his (now) ex-wife Mary Jo and his teenage lover, “Long Island Lolita” Amy Fisher. The three have agreed to have televised sit-down, the network of which is still up in the air. What still needs to be resolved between the three of these people, I’ll never know. Perhaps a lively debate about who prefers the Drew Barrymore movie version to the Alyssa Milano one?

Amy Fisher is currently married with two children. Joey Buttafuoco is currently on probation for felony insurance fraud. Mary Jo Buttafuoco is currently (still) partially paralyzed and clearly bitter.

Are you scared, lonely and afraid to trust? ABC wants you!

ABC is currently looking for separated or divorced men or women to participate in their upcoming television show The Ex Wives Club. Why is this interesting news? Since one of the “experts” who will be doling out advice to these recent divorcees is Shar Jackson, infamous ex of Kevin Federline (I also might add technically not a “wife,” as the show title implies, but I’ll let that go). And how exactly does Shar plan to help these people get their lives back on track? She’s a single, 30-year-old mother of four children (two of which are K-Fed’s) who hasn’t had a recognizable role since the days of Moesha, nor a great track record with her significant others. Shar is currently repped by It Girl Public Relations, a PR company who also handles other equally big-name entertainers like LaToya Jackson and Trishelle Cannatella, both of whom, when you think about it, may be better equipped to give advice on exes…but I digress.

No word on a premiere date for The Ex Wives Club, as they are still in the process of casting. Let’s hope, for Shar’s sake, ABC gives it longer than the recently-cancelled-after-one-episode Emily’s Reasons Why Not.

The Gift.

If I were Katie Holmes, and carrying now super-creepy Tom Cruise’s scientology-freak love child, I’d be pretty disappointed in my recent birthday gift. The National Enquirer, yet another source for dependable news, claims that Tom gifted his pregnant-fiancée with a collection of movies he’s starred in, on DVD, to celebrate her turning 27. And, to make those DVDs even more special then they already were, Tom included a special hand-written note to Katie on each one. The inspiration for this horrific gift idea? Tom apparently read that now-legendary magazine story where Katie said she’d dreamed of marrying him after seeing him on-screen when she was younger. Which, I might also add, was before he went crazy. Wonder if Katie’s collection included his finer films, like Cocktail or Losin’ It?

What ever happened to predictability?

Always-reliable tabloid The Globe, along with web sites like http://www.perezhilton.com/, have been reporting that Jodie Sweetin, annoying middle child Stephanie Tanner on Full House has recently been released from a rehabilitation center for an addiction to crystal meth. Crystal meth? The same thing that David Silver became addicted to when our favorite West Beverly grads moved on to California University on Beverly Hills, 90210? Is that what working with Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen drives a person to do?

Out of Sync.

Just because Justin Timberlake blew up doesn’t mean you need to say, “bye, bye, bye” to some of his former ‘N Sync band mates. Joey Fatone and Lance Bass, the two most disposable of the group, are working with UPN, home to such fine television fare as Friday Night Smack Down and Cuts, to develop their own program (very) loosely based on the classic comedy series The Odd Couple. The comedy will feature Joey as the slacker (Oscar) and Lance as the overachiever (Felix), although it won’t be a scripted program. Instead, it will focus on the dynamic that already exists between the two pals (supposedly comedic in itself) and what they have been doing since we last heard from ‘N Sync.

When ‘N Sync first took a break from recording, the two band mates co-starred in On the Line, a movie that featured Lance essentially stalking a girl he glimpsed on a train (fortunately for Joey, his role was only a supporting one). Joey continued to take on similar roles in movies like My Big, Fat Greek Wedding and The Cooler, while Lance concocted a scheme to raise money to ride on a Russian space mission.

Drums.

Thank heaven for small favors.

While the WB network announced the cancellation of 7th Heaven awhile back, they’ve only recently announced the reason why. And, surprisingly, they claim it’s not because it’s an awful show, the children have gotten older and either left/outgrown their cute phases or because of recurring, pre-La La Ashlee Simpson. Executives at the network claim that the show was losing significant cash as a result of their sizeable cast. Which I find ironic, given how hard they seemed to work to get at least two members (Barry Watson and Jessica Biel) to return on an ongoing basis, as well as chase after inexplicable guest stars like Olympian Tara Lipinski, ‘N Sync member Lance Bass and Haylie Duff, none of which were moderately compelling enough to make me sit through an episode of the pseudo-religious, preachy family drama. But Reverend Camden and company did manage to teach me one thing over the course of the ten years they plagued the WB – if you pray hard enough, you can make anything happen…even cancellation.

And the Oscar goes to…

On today’s Yahoo! Buzz Log, the following are the top movers in the movie category:

1. Paradise Now
2. The Goonies
3. Walk the Line
4. Ang Lee
5. Academy Awards

Now, it’s easy to make the connection between four out of five of these searches. But why the sudden increase in The Goonies? Being a Goonies connoisseur myself, I couldn’t help but notice its appearance on this list among this year’s Oscar hopefuls. Has it become okay to submit films now decades after they’ve been released? Will Corey Feldman finally receive the award he’s coveted and felt robbed of for decades? Has One-Eyed Willy returned to take back his sunken treasure? Or is this simply an example of how the world wide web loves to taunt me with obscure references to movies I enjoyed in years past?

Club PopoZao.

He’s mastered the art of impregnating women, wearing wife beaters and producing seizure-inducing music - now he’s ready to open Club Kevin. In Touch Weekly is reporting that Kevin Federline is looking to get open his own nightclub in Las Vegas, potentially at the Palms Hotel, one of the many places he and Britney frequent and the location of her “honeymoon” from her first wedding to Jason Alexander. But rumor has it that this new opportunity isn’t one that Brit is really in favor of (which begs the question as to whether or not she was in favor of his singing career…and, if not, why she didn’t stop it from starting) – she’d prefer that daddy Federline stay closer to home, with her and their son, clearly an outrageous demand for any mother. And since Britney’s the one who’d need to finance the inevitable fiasco, this may end up being a tougher sell than Kevin’s free Yahoo! download.

Now, we can all be "Thankful."

Kelly Clarkson still seems to value the opinion of Simon Cowell. Just a day after not granting the appropriate permissions to American Idol to use her post-Idol songs on the show, she’s relented. Reports claim that Kelly’s record label is currently negotiating over which of her hits she’ll allow Idol wannabees to maul. Now, we can all look forward to hearing contestants attempt to warble A Moment Like This and Since U Been Gone. Somewhere, William Hung is rejoicing.

The American Dream.

Little Zahara Marley Jolie received a unique present for her birthday, undoubtedly one of many she’ll received throughout her lifetime as a result of her creepy mother Angelina. As of today, Zahara and her brother Maddox can now legally go by the last name Jolie-Pitt, the result of a motion filed months ago by Brad Pitt, their mother’s latest boy toy. While neither parent has publicly commented on the name change, it seems to be understood that Brad will soon file the necessary paperwork to become Zahara and Maddox’s legally adoptive father. Here’s to hoping this family lasts longer than either of Brad and Angelina’s marriages have.

“Don’t Let Me Be the Last to Know.”

Britney Spears brought son Sean Preston to a Malibu Hindu temple this week, seeking the blessings of the Hindu gods. Given her history as a Baptist and as a follower of Kabbalah, perhaps going the Hindu route is a good thing, as Hinduism is based on fairly fundamental, non-divisive beliefs, rooted in the idea that human life exists for four reasons – one’s ability to fulfill their own purpose, achieve prosperity, attain enjoyment and become enlightened, three out of four things that Britney herself has mastered, despite her religious indecision and Kevin Federline. Could it be possible that through baby Sean’s blessing, she was able to reach that final state, that of enlightenment, when it comes to her loser husband? Clearly it's something she's struggled with, given she was able to resist the writing on the wall when it came to releasing PopoZao…

Miss Independent.

Kelly Clarkson appears ready to Breakaway from her American Idol roots (I'm so punny!). Various sources report that she has refused to sign the required release documentation that would allow her tunes to be sung by contestants auditioning on the reality show. While Simon Cowell claims this is a insult to the fans who voted her to the top, it’s more than okay with me. I can’t seem to turn the radio on these days without being forced to hear that annoying Because of You ballad. Because of You, I can't stand that song. Because of You, they produced From Justin to Kelly. Because of You, third-place finisher Nikki McKibbin keeps popping up on various reality show programming.

Because of You, I am afraid.

Those are the goods.

It was not my intention to double-up on helpings of Ashley Parker Angel over the last few days, but after finally getting a chance to watch episode number two of There and Back, I simply cannot resist. For those of you who might have (inexplicably) missed it, here’s what we learned about Ashley this week:

Ashley continues to be bad managing money. “Bad contracts” made his O-Town earnings disappear years ago. His “savings” were wiped out in the months he spent focusing on making his solo record instead of working a paying job. And now the $10,000 advance he received in last week’s episode is almost gone, with just enough left over to cover the first month’s rent for the house he, Tiffany and (strangely) her mother just moved into. I’d say it’s safe to assume a back-up career in bookkeeping is not in Ashley’s future.

Ashley has some trouble making decisions. This results in an excessive amount of his and Tiff’s belongings being moved into the garage instead of inside the house and multiple phone calls/pleas for help at the grocery store for assistance regarding picking tomatoes, potatoes, corn and cookie dough, as well as visible confusion when faced with an inoperative, motion-triggered door.

Ashley thinks he’s “terrible at confrontation.” Which he is, since he clearly doesn’t really understand the not-so-subtle difference between “confronting” someone and “complaining” to someone, the latter of which he does to his producers at Soul Power Productions. This results in the end of their professional relationship which, I might add, doesn’t appear to shake, rattle or roll Soul and company. You tell ‘em, Ash!

Ashley’s not quite what you’d call “handy.” At all. Under the impression that he’s just there to help, poor ex-band mate Jacob makes another appearance to work with Ashley, building a toy chest, from scratch, for his unborn child. And, by “help,” I mean draft the design, measure, cut and sand the wood, assemble to pieces together and paint the finished product. Ashley did, though, provide a pencil for Jacob to use and offer to make some “really good Garden burgers,” to which Jacob replied, “I’m not down with that stuff.”

Keep your fingers crossed for baby Angel.

“Your life is a flashback, a question, a photograph.” And right now, so is your web site.

For those of you who just can’t wait until Monday to get your next dose of Ashley Parker Angel, visit his new web site at www.ashleyparkerangel.com. But don’t expect to see much more than what you’ve already seen on There and Back, as much of the site is still “coming soon!” You can, however, look at several pictures of Ashley deep in thought, brush up on his bio (suspiciously with no mention of previous love-of-his-life Shelli), and start to think up your questions for the “Ask Ashley” section. Maybe now I can find out what on earth they were thinking with that lame Liquid Dreams video and why Jacob insists of trying to channel Bob Marley with his dreadlocks.

“Could it be worse?”

Gwyneth Paltrow has finally confirmed what just about everyone has already reported – she’s pregnant. Although no due date has been publicly announced, she and husband Chris Martin of the band Coldplay will be adding another Apple to their bunch.

Gosh, rough week for Jennifer Aniston, huh? First, her publicist confirms that no, Brangelina did not contact her to share news of their pregnancy prior to sharing it with the media. And now, Brad’s ex-fiancée announces that she’s expecting her second child. If Jen didn’t have babies on the brain before, I’m betting she does now.

Kevin could care less.

MTV News reports that Kevin Federline doesn’t care what you think about him. Which is a good thing, given most people don’t seem to think much. In his recent interview, Kevin states, "The more I talk, the more I come out and people get to know who I am and what I'm about, it's only gonna help. And if you don't like me, hey, cool. Everything in life is 50/50, I accept the good and the bad and just move on."

Yes, Kevin, you sure do – first, you moved on from Shar and your two children with her and, reportedly, you “move on” from Britney and new baby boy Sean on a fairly regular basis. It’s good to back up your words with your actions. Very admirable.

Equally admirable, or just plain stupid, depending on how you look at it, is Kevin’s “choice” to work with some relatively unfamiliar producers for his still-pending-a-record-label album. After all, K-Fed wouldn’t want to appear as if he can’t become a superstar on his own, without capitalizing on the resources at the disposal of wife Britney, all of whom I’m sure were just itching for the chance to work with him. No, no…wouldn’t want to do that and put your credibility in question. Kevin says, "I don't want to go that route. It's not that I don't respect those people. I'd love to [work with them] and I'm sure one day I will end up working with a bunch of big producers, but right now I want people to know I did this. The people coming out with me are new people. I'm trying to bring a new scenario to the game. They'll have to respect me more for doing this."

Right. I hear that Disco D and Notes, some of the Fedster’s producing pals, are just about to blow up. I mean, Disco D’s the one behind the classic album A Night at the Booty Bar, which perhaps helped given Kevin the inspiration he needed to pen his recent single PopoZao. Of course, Kevin’s desire to break in the music scene on his own didn’t stop him from collaborating with Britney on a few other choice tracks, none of which have been released. When asked why, Kevin claims, "I think people need to get to know me a little bit more, and that way when we do something, people will respect it that much more."

That’s my prerogative.

Happy faces, smilin’ down at me...

For those of you who care, Beverley Mitchell, who plays Lucy Camden on “7th Heaven,” has gotten engaged to boyfriend Michael Cameron. The two have been seeing each other for five years, just about the time when 7th Heaven producers probably realized that Jessica Biel wouldn’t stick around forever and they’d better do what they could to make Bev’s character more than an annoying, boy-crazy little sister – perhaps that’s when she caught Michael’s eye in real life. Aside from her work on the nauseatingly-sweet WB series, Beverley also appeared in the movie Saw II as one of the many victims of the Jigsaw killer.

People Magazine reports the two plan to marry sometime in 2007.

Au revoir, Allie.

While I missed the season premiere of the most recent incarnation of The Bachelor, there’s been no shortage of scoop on Dr. Allie Garcia-Serra, one of the castoffs from the first episode. In the season premiere, Allie didn’t shy away from letting Dr. Travis Stork, this season’s bachelor, know that she’s ready for her own stork visit, that her biological clock is ticking and the countdown has begun. That’s an interesting approach. I’ve never tried it myself, but imagine that it may not be the best way to go about attracting a man you’ve just met, who may not quite be ready, immediately after your introduction, for that level of commitment. Perhaps it’s just me….or just me and Dr. Stork, as he didn’t grant Allie a rose at the end of the show. And given her reaction, I bet he is plenty pleased with himself. On camera, Allie demanded to know why she wasn’t selected, accusing the doc of not liking her body and lying about his desire to have a family. Again, I have to think that this wouldn’t be the way to go about convincing this year’s Bachelor that he made a bad decision. Nor would calling him a phony on-screen – definitely not rose-worthy behavior.

While Allie admits, in retrospect, that she might have lost her composure (understatement of the week), she blames crafty editing for how she was depicted to viewers. "When I saw it, I saw myself as a pathetic, desperate girl wanting to reproduce right now and that's so not me.” Allie says in an article in the South Florida Sun Sentinel. What a phony!

Spellbound.

The Hollywood Reporter has announced that VH1 will soon premiere its first official comedy series, the Tori Spelling vehicle So Notorious. The show was first offered to NBC, who chose to take a pass, clearly the way for VH1 to expand their programming portfolio, currently consisting of music documentaries and celebrity reality shows. So Notorious stars newly-separated, recently-engaged Tori Spelling as fictionalized version of Tori Spelling. Personally, I don’t really think I need a fictionalized version of Tori to have something to laugh at - anyone remember the early episodes of Beverly Hills, 90210 (or the later ones, for that matter)? Or – hello! – her declaration of love for fiancé number two, when hubby number one is still technically her spouse? Clearly, though, both she and VH1 feel otherwise.

Tori will also serve as co-executive producer. Talk about notorious.

Sabrina’s spawn.

Television’s Sabrina the Teenage Witch Melissa Joan Hart has conjured up her first child, a boy, with husband, Course of Nature singer Mark Wilkerson. People Magazine, who seems to have all the celebrity baby news these days, announced the arrival of 9 pound Mason Walter on their web site earlier today. The couple has been married since July 2003, just a few months after Sabrina ended its seven years on television and six years after everyone stopped watching it.

Baby Brangelina.

People Magazine reports representatives for Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have confirmed that the two are expecting their first child together. Biological child, that is, as Angelina is already the adoptive mother of Maddox and Zahara, children that Brad has recently petitioned to adopt as well. Angelina is, of course, best known for her sexual escapades with past partners of both genders, as well as her humanitarian causes. Brad is best known recently for dumping Jennifer Aniston and shacking up with Angelina before the ink was dry on their divorce papers.

Baby Brangelina should make his/her debut this summer.

Yup, she’s still tired of rumors starting.

Despite the widespread publicity that February’s Vanity Fair article won her, Lindsay Lohan is denying published reports that she is/was suffering from bulimia. In a statement somehow obtained by Teen People, (clearly the publication to turn to when you want to get immediate media attention), Lindsay says, “ The words that I gave to the writer for Vanity Fair were misused and misconstrued, and I'm appalled with the way it was done. Aside from [the writer's] lies and changing of my words, I am blessed to have this job and wonderful family that I do." Really? I find it hard to believe someone could “misconstrue” her description of being bulimic, given the symptoms that led to her stay in the hospital and her frighteningly hollow appearance that followed for months after. But perhaps some of that was really due to the drug use, mentioned in the Vanity Fair story, and something that Lindsay suspiciously does not deny in her statement. Just more people writing, saying what they want about her.

Where You Are.

In less time than it took them to get married, famous and break up, Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey have sold their $3.75 million dollar mansion made famous on Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica. The lucky buyer is 19-year-old Justin Berfield who currently plays Reese on the show Malcolm in the Middle. Prior to his role on Malcolm, Justin played Ross on the WB show Unhappily Ever After, a show that centered around stuffed rabbit voiced by Bobcat Goldthwait (and co-starring Nicky Hilton’s current boyfriend and Entourage star Kevin Connolly). Entertainment Tonight Online reports that Justin is a long-time friend of the Simpson family, which may have something to do with the relatively quick sale. Because, let’s face it, there’s no way this kid collected big residual checks from Mr. Floppy.

Baby, I Would.

“Your life is a flashback,” Ashley Parker Angel sings in the opening of the premiere episode of There and Back: Ashley Parker Angel. And what an entertaining one it was! For those of you who missed the first episode, I’ve provided a handy-dandy recap:

“Am I drinking by myself?” Scarlet, Tiffany’s mom, questions as Ashley walks through the door after a seemingly long day of pounding the pavement looking for a manager. Um, probably, given up until a minute ago, Ashley wasn’t home and Tiffany is pregnant. Quite the role model these two crazy kids seem to have for their unborn child who, a few minutes later, after Ashley says his old O-Town lawyer is considering managing him, says, “I think we should celebrate!” They head to a bar called the Lighthouse. In what seems to be the middle of the day, given how sunny it is outside.

“I never in a million years would have thought that I’d be having the O-Town guy’s baby,” Tiffany claims after placing an order for some French fries (good to know this baby will be healthy). She continues on to say, “I don’t like boy bands in general. I think they’re corny. I mean, dancing around, all together. When I saw the Liquid Dreams video, I was in just total, utter disgust.” Way to be supportive. They leave the bar, after Tiffany’s healthy meal, and Ashley heads to the studio.

And here’s where the crafty camera work kicks in. Ashley sings, he and his producers Soul (yes, I said Soul) and Karlin listen to the playback. And then, in the middle of listening, everything freezes except Ashley, who leans over to talk to the audience. He says “Here’s the deal. It’s not like every producer in town is dying to make a record with me.” Maybe Tiffany was on to something. Ashley whines that they’ve been at this for a year and a half and he just has to get some cash. Funny - I thought it was about the music.

Cut to the next scene, where Ashley is meeting with Larry Rudolph, his lawyer from the O-Town days who is about to become Ashley’s manager. His manager? Good God, this man has totally taken a tumble from managing Britney back in the day – his reputation really must have suffered if Ashley is part of his portfolio now. Larry tells Ashley that out of the twelve tracks he’s cut, he’s got one hit and the rest are just “sort of real good, but not great.” Ironically, sort of like Larry’s current client base.

Ashley and Tiffany head to San Diego to visit former O-Town bandmate Jacob and wife Janie. Who seems to have managed to invest at least some of his O-Town cash, as he’s actually got a house! The fun camera trick returns, where the background freezes and Ashley speaks directly to us, claiming “Can you believe this is Jacob from O-Town? We’ve been through so much together. I really miss hanging out with him.” Perhaps because he has a legitimate roof over his head? But Ashley shouldn’t be too jealous, because Jacob later reveals, “I’ve been doing construction. I like construction and I wish I was able to do it for fun, not because I have to.” Seems his dreams were also liquid.

The next day, after being woken up by Ashley’s strangely-ringing cell phone, he and Tiffany discuss potential baby names. Tiffany proclaims that is has to be “something cool” and “you have to think when it’s older, it’s gonna sound hot.” Ashley tells her that growing up with the name Ashley was not fun for him. After suggesting Magical Merlin. And sharing that in fifth grade, he tried too change his name to Matrix.

Tiffany searches for places for them to live on the web. She and Ashley are both wistful looking at a two-story house, to which Ashley exclaims “upstairs, downstairs.” What a smarty-pants - thanks for the clarification there. Tiffany comments that they’ll never be able to afford a house unless they put some significant cash down, to which Ashley says “Do you think I should sell my Camero?” Your Camero? Who still drives a Camero? And where will this baby sit in the Camero? Shortly after this discussion, they receive word that they have indeed been approved to purchase the house they were looking at, provided they can produce the required cashier’s check for $8,000. Uh oh….

“We have to have a serious conversation about how we’re going to come up with $8,000. I am not making income right now, so I have to do something.” How noble. And observant. And while it’s great to think about this now, as you look for a house, did this thought not cross your mind when you found out that your girlfriend was pregnant? Tiffany suggests maybe borrowing money from somebody, but Ashley doesn’t want to be in debt to anyone. They discuss potential careers for Ashley, ranging from accountant (because he’s so good with cash) to delivery driver. He later visits Tour Supply, Inc. to apply for a job working with equipment for musicians and bands at various venues. Ashley’s disappointed to learn that the job only pays about $10 an hour and would only be for about 10 hours a week.

With the Tour Supply job not an option, Ashley and manager Larry visit Blackground Records to meet with President/CEO Barry Hankerson. He’s about to ask him for the $8,000 he needs for his house. But first, Ashley gets an opportunity to whine about the difficulties he’s experiencing with Soul Power Productions and how they aren’t making it really possible for Ashley to make the record he wants to make. Which he does pretty effectively, prompting Barry to pick up the phone and mumble to Soul Power that he wants them to give Ashley a chance. But not in a fatherly, supportive way, but more in a Godfather-esque way. Barry then claims, “When you’re down with us, we’ve got your back,” handing Ashley a check. Talk about making a deal with the devil.

The show ends with Ashley and Tiffany celebrating their two-year anniversary with a picnic on the beach. And, of course, the obligatory song by Ashley, a preview of what’s to come. “I’m so glad that you’re gonna be my baby’s mama,” Ashley croons. Where’s Tiffany’s mom, now that it’s time to celebrate?

Faster than a race car, livin’ like a rock star.

MSNBC is reporting that Jackass star Steve-O supplied Paris Hilton and Stavros Niarchros with what’s being described as “mind-altering substances” the evening that Stav artfully drove Paris’s Bentley into a parked truck while transporting soon-to-be-ex-engaged couple Kimberly Stewart and Talan Torriero. More specifically, Steve-O claims he gave the lovebirds some nitrous-filled balloons which, if the story is true, may have had something to do with Stavros’s inability to steer the car. That, and the fact he was attempting to drive with a coat hiding his head. Now that’s hot.

We’ll see if boys don’t cry.

Hilary Swank and Chad Lowe have taken the phrase “should old acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind” literally this year, announcing their separation earlier today after eight years of marriage. She’s best known for being a two-time Academy Award winner, most recently for her role in the movie Million Dollar Baby. And he’s best know for being the person Hilary forgot to thank in her first Oscar acceptance speech and for being the brother of Rob Lowe. But no award or famous sibling will ever top what I know them best for – when Hilary played uptight, single mom Carly on Beverly Hills, 90210 and Chad played Sydney’s pseudo-sugar daddy Carter on Melrose Place, coincidentally both back in 1997. Ob-la-di, ob-la-da, life goes on.

Lost and Found: O-Town

Back by popular demand, yet another entry to file under my semi-regular feature, Lost and Found. Although I’ve tried desperately to stay away from this topic over the last few days, I just can’t seem to resist it. We all now know what Ashley’s been up to, but about his O-Town bandmates? You’re about to find out.

Jacob Underwood. Out of all the O-Towners, Jacob appears to have been the busiest over the last few years. Back in 2002, he married his girlfriend Janie, who you may remember from her appearances on Making the Band back in the day. Since then, he’s formed the band Jacob’s Loc, self-described as a mix of “rock, southern rock and funk.” Interesting. His band’s website provides a slightly more thorough, yet somewhat condescending description – it reads as follows:

To create influential art, music, poetry, visual and physical expression of not just our time, but the best reflections of the past. Jacob’s Loc will be the much needed voice in a generation of sheep…..

Baah.

Trevor Penick. Now refers to himself as Tre Scott and claims to be part of a band called Hidden Project. Similar to Jacob, he also describes his sound as a mix, this time of pop, funk and R&B (way to narrow it down, there). Tre also plays for the Bulls team in the NBAE (the National Basketball Association Entertainment league, for those of you not in the know) along with such other well-known entertainers as Jaleel White of Family Matters and Mario Lopez of Saved by the Bell.

Dan Miller. Best know as the replacement for cranky Ikaika, Dan has released his debut CD, Slower Than a Gun, earlier this year. Dan also performed at the “Boys of Summer” concert series in July alongside Jordan Knight of New Kids on the Block, Jeff Timmons of 98 Degrees and, inexplicably, Michael Copon, who played Felix (and not sang as Felix) on One Tree Hill. He is married to wife Erin and has a dog named Bucko.

Erik Michael Estrada. This was a toughie, as E-M seems to have either chosen to steer clear of the spotlight or just not had anything to shine it on. Rumors have swirled that he is/was/has been working on his own solo project (shocker), but I have yet to get any confirmation of that. I have heard, though, that he’s been dating Kirsten Storms who plays Maxie on General Hospital and played Belle on Days of our Lives before that. Juicy!

This is the true story.

The New York Observer has announced that the 4,000 square foot loft where MTV’s The Real World: Back to New York was filmed is available for rent. Located in New York’s West Village, less than two miles away from where the inaugural season of The Real World was filmed, the fully-furnished unit can be yours for a mere $35,000 a month. I guess these are the rates you see when people stop being polite and starting getting real.

The tribe has spoken. And written a book.

In yet another attempt to keep themselves in the public eye, Amber Brkich, winner of Survivor All Stars and wife of runner-up "Boston Rob" Mariano, has changed her name to Amber Mariano and, to make it even more significant, authored a book using it, www.realityblurred.com reports. Amber’s Guide for Girls: Advice on Fame, Family, Fashion and More! is full of Amber’s own personal guidance on issues including those mentioned in the title, plus school, goals and relationships. In a press release about the book, Amber claims that she was inspired to write it due to the letters she received over the last several years from young girls seeking her counsel. She says “The letters include not only questions about my experiences on Survivor and The Amazing Race, but also questions about my experiences growing up and how to handle what life deals you.” Right. Because watching Amber and her equally-underhanded husband on television for the last few years have shown us that she’s an authority on all those things.

Amber’s book will be available on February 1.

Another of the Others.

Naveen Andrews, who plays Sayid on Lost, may want to consider spending more time safely tucked away in the hatch rather than looking for the others. Seems that during a brief split last year with longtime girlfriend Barbara Hershey, Naveen fathered a child with another woman. The National Enquirer is reporting that on November 28, Elena Eustache gave birth to a baby boy whom she named Naveen Joshua Andrews. Shortly following the birth, Naveen senior was served with papers ordering him to provide a DNA test so paternity could be established.

Naveen, who already has a child from a relationship previous to his one with Barbara, has already agreed to accept responsibility for his new son. At least we know he can crack the code having to do with one number in particular – 9 months.

Hooray, hooray for Team Lachey!

And we all thought that Nick was the only Lachey we’d ever hear from again since the disbanding of 98 Degrees. Who knew, until last night, how impressive little brother Drew can be?

On last night’s season opener of Dancing with the Stars, Drew, partnered with 2005 World Cup Professional Rising Star Latin Champion Cheryl Burke, danced the cha cha to the delight of the judges, the crowd and brother Nick, watching from the sidelines. Drew and Cheryl scored a 24 out of 30, the highest of the night, outscoring sports and entertainment has-beens including George Hamilton, Tatum O’Neal and the frighteningly-buff Lisa Rinna. Given that Drew’s biggest claim to fame since 98 Degrees has been as Nick’s sidekick on Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica, he’d be wise to keep up on the waltzing.

Speaking of which, it’s been announced that Jessica Simpson will be the opening act at this year’s 32nd annual People’s Choice Awards. The soon-to-be-ex-Mrs.-Lachey will be singing her remake of These Boots Are Made For Walkin'. And apparently for leaving your marriage. The awards will broadcast on Tuesday, January 10.

Po-po-po-po-zao. Po-po-po-po-zao.

Kevin Federline dropped by Ryan Seacrest’s radio show on Thursday morning to promote his new single, the infamous PopoZao. Which recently learned is slang for “big butt.” Charming. K-Fed was reportedly jamming to some Brazilian music when he brainstormed the name of track. Hey, at least he didn’t claim that this was inspired by Britney.

Hi, my name is Mrs. Slim Shady.

Although Eminem himself has not made any public confirmation regarding the specific date, various magazines are reporting that Slim Shady will re-marry his ex-wife Kim on Saturday, January 14. The two married for the first time in 1999, then divorced in 2001.

And why not? They’ve made such a captivating pair over the years, almost as entertaining as Jessica and Nick in the early Newlyweds days. Remember when Eminem sang about slitting her throat in the song Kim? Or when Kim herself was arrested for cocaine possession not once, but twice? And when, during their time apart, Kim had another child with a man other than Eminem, a daughter that she and Em are now raising together?

Who isn’t rooting for these two to find their way back to each other? Cause we all need a little controversy.

Confessions of a broken heart.

In the new issue of Vanity Fair, Lindsay Lohan bites off more than she can chew. Which is ironic, given in the magazine interview, she finally comes clean about being bulimic and her experimentation with drugs. And in what I’m sure will be surprising to no one, it also appears that Lindsay’s two-week hospital stay last year wasn’t really due to exhaustion, although I’m sure that having a raging fever, a swollen liver and a kidney infection don’t really do much to boost the energy level. Rather, Lindsay attributes her physical collapse as a reaction to her break up with Wilmer Valderrama and to the actions executed by her somewhat-violent, embezzling, drunk father.

But despite her poor health, family drama and dabbling drug use, Lindsay insists that she can make a difference and wants people to see her as a role model. Again, in her Vanity Fair interview, she states, “With the position that I've kind of come into, I'm in a place where I can really make an impact on people and really help girls that are, you know, people with anorexia, people that aren't in good relationships with their lovers … people that don't get along with their parents. I can change that a little bit." Um, okay – in my experience, it hasn’t always been wise to look up to someone going through multiple, public family crises while simultaneously battling/denying an eating disorder and satisfying their curiosity regarding illegal substances, but perhaps if I did, I too could make a difference.

Or, at least, a sandwich.

She just needs a little room to breathe.

Poor Lindsay Lohan. Just a few weeks after a case of food poisoning, triggered by a night of partying, forced her to cancel an appearance on Live with Regis and Kelly at the last minute, come reports that she is again under the weather. On Monday night, Lindsay suffered an asthma attack so severe that she was admitted to a local hospital. Coincidentally, this attack also follows a night partying, this time at Prive in Miami, where Lindsay was hosting a New Year’s Eve bash for her closest pals and others willing to pony up the cash to get in the door. First, exhaustion in 2004. Then, food poisoning in 2005. Now asthma in 2006. Wow, she’s a better actress than I ever gave her credit for being – and makes me want to actually check out Herbie: Fully Loaded.

What happens in Vegas.

Doormen working at Pure nightclub in Caesars Palace on New Year’s Eve reportedly refused to allow Stavros Niarchos entry to an exclusive party being hosted by Nicky Hilton and boyfriend Kevin Connolly. And not just because he gives homeless people money to humiliate themselves for his entertainment, is undergoing investigation by police for crashing girlfriend Paris’s Bentley into a parked car, or because he caused $100,000 worth of damage at the nearby Hard Rock Hotel by starting a pretty expensive pillow fight, but because he’s only 19 years old. Personally, I suspect the staff at Pure was more than relieved to have this legal technicality to fall back on, despite the fact that turning this charmer away caused Paris and everyone’s-second-favorite-Hilton Nicky to do a little turning of their own, lashing out at staff and leaving the club, and the party they were hosting, in a huff. No word on where Nicky and her entourage ended the night, but Paris and Stavros were later seen at Body English in the Hard Rock Hotel. Another slumber party, perhaps?

Mirror, mirror on the wall...who’s the fittest one of all?

For many, the start of 2006 kicks off the start of that infamous resolution to lose weight. You know how it goes – eat right and exercise more. The drill itself really doesn’t change too much from year to year. But you know what does?

The cast of VH1’s Celebrity Fit Club.

Yes, it’s back for a third season of fit club fun. And who can resist cheering on the newest crop of C-list celebrities who have packed on, oh, just a few pounds over the last few years? Along with Dr. Ian Smith, psychologist Dr. Linda Papadapolous and Drill Sergeant Harvey Walden, I watched the cast get weighed in and listened to some inspiring thoughts from the Fit Club panel of experts. I’ve provided team rosters and current statistics below so we can all track their progress week by week.

Team Jeff Conaway
Celebrity: Jeff Conaway
You remember him as: Bobby from Taxi or Kenickie from Grease
You don’t remember him as: Stu Stocker in the movie “Bikini Summer II or as Digger’s dad in the movie Y.M.I.
Current weight: 205 pounds
Target weight loss for next weigh in: 5 pounds
Target weight loss for the entire season: 35 pounds
Best quote, from Dr. Smith to Jeff: “Do you have problems with your kidney? You go to the bathroom so often – why do you go to the bathroom so often?”

Celebrity: Bizarre
You remember him as: A member of the band D12 or as one of the basketball-playing convicts in the remake of the movie The Longest Yard
You don’t remember him as: Nothing – the only things Bizarre has really done are be a member of the band D12 and play basketball in the remake of The Longest Yard
Current weight: 321 pounds
Target weight loss for next weigh in: 6 pounds
Target weight loss for the entire season: 45 pounds
Best quote, from himself to the audience: “My goal for the show is to lose two pounds…and a half”

Celebrity: Tempestt Bledsoe
You remember her as: Vanessa Huxtable on The Cosby Show
You don’t remember her as: Tanika in the movie The Expendables or as Janey in the movie Bachelor Man
Current weight: 181 pounds
Target weight loss for next weight in: 5 pounds
Target weight loss for the entire season: 30 pounds
Best quote, from Dr. Papadapolous to Tempestt: “Is that hard, Tempestt, feeling that ‘you know what? I like who I am, but I feel for other people to accept me, I need to look different?’”

Celebrity: Kelly LeBrock
You remember her as: Lisa in the movie Weird Science and as Charlotte as The Woman in Red
You don’t remember her as: Donnie in the movie Hard Bounty or as Alexa in the movie Zerophilia
Current weight: 175 pounds
Target weight loss for next weigh in: 6 pounds
Target weight loss for the entire season: 35 pounds
Best quote, from Kelly to Dr. Smith: “I didn’t realize how heavy I was until you guys called me. I thought ‘oh, so you think I’m fat?’”

Team Chastity Bono
Celebrity: Chastity Bono
You remember her as: Sonny and Cher’s daughter and as a spokesperson for GLADD (the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation)
You don’t remember her as: Scorp from the movie Bar Girls
Current weight: 215 pounds
Target weight loss for next weigh in: 5 pounds
Target weight loss for the entire season: 40 pounds
Best quote, from Dr. Papadapolous to Chastity: “Being the daughter of someone so famous, who’s famous for her body and for her sexuality, you know, I’m sure there’s a lot going on there with trying to distance yourself from that.”

Celebrity: Countess Vaughn
You remember her as: Kim Parker on the television shows Moesha and The Parkers
You don’t remember her as: The office administrative assistant in the movie Max Keeble’s Big Move or as Annetta Jones in the movie Trippin’
Current weight: 130 pounds. This doesn’t sound like a lot, but Countess is only 4 feet, 11 inches tall.
Target weight loss for next weigh in: 4 pounds
Target weight loss for the entire season: 25 pounds
Best quote, from Dr. Papadapolous to Countess (after learning that Countess recently has plastic surgery to make her butt rounder): “And that made you feel more positive about the way you look?”

Celebrity: Young MC
You remember him as: The rapper who sang Bust a Move
You don’t remember him as: The rapper who sang Whoop de Whoop – or anything else from the album Engage the Enzyme
Current weight: 278 pounds
Target weight loss for next weight in: 5 pounds
Target weight loss for the entire season: 40 pounds
Best quote, from Dr. Smith to Young MC on his weight gain over the years: “That’s alotta weight, brother.”

Celebrity: Bruce Vilanich
You remember him as: Edna Turnblad in the Broadway musical Hairspray
You don’t remember him as: The hippie priest on the soap opera Santa Barbara or as the flower salesman in the movie Fourth Story
Current weight: 315 pounds
Target weight loss for next week: 6 pounds
Target weight loss for the entire season: 45 pounds
Best quote, from Dr. Smith: “Well Bruce, I’m just gonna say, you are in trouble.”

Combined weight for Team Jeff Conaway: 882 pounds
Combined weight for Team Chastity Bono: 938 pounds

Best of luck to you.

“The only way to know me is to feel my pain.”

Officials in New York are looking into the possibility that currently-imprisoned sex offender Peter Braunstein, a patient in New York’s Bellevue prison, may have modeled some of his attacks after that of Nip/Tuck’s serial rapist, the Carver.

Recently revealed as a combination of brother and sister Dr. Quentin Costa and detective Kit McGraw on the season finale, the Carver was known for drugging his victims, then attacking them with a knife, all while hidden behind a mask and speaking in an electronically-disguised voice. Both The New York Post and The New York Daily News have taken notice of some similarities between Braunstein’s alleged crimes and that of the Carver’s, including the tendency of both to drug their victims and use knives during their attacks. In addition, it’s come to light that in the months leading to Braunstein’s alleged crimes, he purchased season one of Nip/Tuck on DVD. Admittedly, this alone isn’t particularly compelling evidence, but when combined with his bidding of an item on eBay referred to as “the Carver voice box,” a device used to camouflage one’s own sound, it seems a little too close for comfort, don’t you think?

Braunstein is currently awaiting arraignment. The Carver(s) is currently vacationing in Spain.