Who’s having fun?

“So here’s what’s up: money is still tight – no surprise there. And Tiff has been…well, a little emotional. But some great stuff has happened. I’ve been meeting new producers and I feel like my songs and getting stronger every day. At least I hope so.”

Thus Ashley explains at the start of last’s night There and Back. Um, self-obsessed much? To paraphrase - - there’s no extra cash to burn and Tiffany’s whining, but hey, things are looking up for him. And isn’t really all about Ashley, anyway? Clearly, he thinks so, a theme that’s woven throughout the third episode, recapped below:

Ashley and Tiffany visit Dr. Ewertz, the ob/gyn, where we learn that she’s supposed to be on bed rest. When questioned by the doctor, Ashley graciously answers on behalf of Tiffany (translation: jumps in before she can actually reply herself) and says, “It’s been real hard…’cause she wants to be doing things, you know? And so it’s hard for her to lay there.” I will skip the obvious snide remark I can make here and move on, as Ashley already has popped out of the now-frozen background to further explain to us that trying to stop Tiffany from doing what she wants to do (e.g., avoid bed rest) is really hard for him. Poor Ashley. I mean, it’s not like Tiffany’s feeling any pain and call, carrying his unborn child and the burden of being tied to an ex-O Town band member for the rest of her life.

“I’m gonna try to be there for you in every way I can be,” Ashley assures Tiffany when the doctor leaves. Um, try? Because you aren’t sure you can be there for the mother of your unborn child? Like you might have something better to do in her time of need? Which he clearly does…

…As he’s soon off to hang with a new songwriter pal, Xandy Barry. Apparently, the two “vibe” (Ashley’s words) and he “digs him” (again, Ashley’s words, not mine). And is good that there’s such a connection there, because Ashley proceeds to whine to his new buddy that it’s hard for him to focus, with all these things going on in his life. But new-best-bud Xandy reassures Ash that he should “Let it all out….it’ll all come out in these awesome tunes.” Gnarly.

The return of the bizarre rooster cell phone ring/alarm! Where did Ashley get that? And why is that the ringer of choice? He wakes up to find Tiffany has –gasp!- escaped. Her uber-helpful and very observant mother confirms, yep, Tiff’s not there – she might have gone out to get coffee or something. Because obviously, that’s what pregnant women restricted to bed rest do - - drive off alone to go purchase and consume caffeinated beverages. Duh.

Ashley drives off to search for Tiffany, visibly distressed and melodramatic. Based on where he looks, and the intensity with which he squints, he seems to think she’ll be at the cleaners or at Baskin-Robbins. Ever the elusive one, Tiffany is not found with plastic-wrapped garments or mint chocolate chip ice cream.

Tiffany returns home. After much eye-rolling by her and grandiose posturing by Ashley, order is restored. Shortly after which Ashley plays producer pal Xandy a song, via cell phone, inspired by his and Tiffany’s recently rocky relationship. Ash confesses he can share his relationship woes with barely-an-acquaintance-Xandy because they’re tight like that. After all, they vibe.

Another visit to Dr. Ewertz, who tells Tiffany that she no longer has to be confined to bed. To which Tiffany replies, “Can we take him out?” For a moment, given his self-absorbed behavior this episode, you may not be sure if she’s referring to Ashley or her baby, but she soon clarifies that, claiming she just can’t be pregnant any longer (alas, the baby). When the answer is no, Tiffany sobs.

Ashley checks his Bank of America account online, only to discover that his balance is a negative $27.17. The background freezes and Ashley announces, to us audience members, that this is the second time in recent months he’s had to ask to borrow money again. I myself am not surprised that he has to borrow money, but am surprised that this is only the second time. He tells Tiff’s mom that he’s just had a rude awakening and announces his current account balance (or lack thereof). Is this really the rude awakening part? Was it not a surprise when the account hit zero mark? Did it really need to reach negative proportions to become cause for concern? Mom, as Ashley calls her, comes to the rescue with her severance money, which she’s been hanging on to, probably suspecting it might come in handy. Ash thanks her profusely and promises his album will be successful. What a relief – I wonder if that approach would have worked to get a loan from Bank of America. Not.

“Is everything ever going to be back the way it was before?” Tiffany asks. “Yeah,” Ashley answers, “except we’re gonna have a baby. And he’s gonna be awesome.” If I didn’t feel Tiffany’s pain before, I do now. You’re beyond poor, you’re boyfriend is obsessed with reclaiming the success of his boy band days, the two of you live with your mother and are about to bring a baby into this world.

Awesome is right.