I did it eBay!

This Sunday morning, let’s all take a moment to marvel at the wonders of eBay, where I just purchased these new Coach sunglasses, complete with their carrying case and cleaning cloth, for half the price I would have paid at the Coach store. There is no better feeling than that of being a winner…go Wizards!

Out of style.

Ashlee Simpson, still living in the shadows of someone else’s dream, will reportedly no longer be working with Simpson sister stylist Jessica Pastor, says Page Six of the New York Post. Rumor has it that Ashlee’s mom Tina doesn’t particularly care for Pastor’s work and has taken it upon herself to end Pastor’s professional relationship with Ashlee (not necessarily such a bad thing, if she was really responsible for some of Ashlee’s recent get ups).

Of course, in typical Simpson fashion, they deny this is the case, claiming there’s no ill will between the family and the stylist, who is still working with older sister Jessica.

"The Simpsons love Jessica Pastor. Tina and [Pastor] worked together twice this week at Jessica's cover shoot, and at a Jessica Hair collection shoot," a representative for Papa Joe’s clan told Page Six. Now that’s L-O, L-O, L-O-V-E.

How Joey became Josephine.

When it comes to Katie Holmes, Tom Cruise just can’t be stopped. First, he seemed to rob her of her voice, given the girl never says a word anymore, just smiles with a vacant look in her eyes. Shortly after shutting her up, he talked her into converting from her childhood religion of Catholicism to his preferred cult Scientology. And along the way, he somehow convinced her to carry his biological child, the unfortunately named Suri who was welcomed into the world just last week. And now, after "discussing" the apparent "issue" with his fiancée, Tom has also decided it’s time to make a change to her name. No, not her last name (at least not yet), but her first. She’ll no longer be known as Katie, but rather as Kate.

"Katie is a young girl’s name. Her name is Kate now that she’s a child-bearing woman," Tom was reported saying according to a report on the SF Gate's Daily Dish (http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/sfgate/indexd?blogid=7).

Interesting. I wonder if this same logic will make sense when Suri reaches the woman-ripening age of 27. If you shorten her name, she becomes Sur Cruise. And if you take the definition of the word "Sur" literally, her name would be "Over Cruise." Somehow appropriate.

Tattoo redux.

Charlie Sheen has found a way to get both pleasure and pain out of his divorce battle with Denise Richards by having the tattoo of her name removed from this wrist, says the Star Magazine. While he hasn’t been particularly forthcoming when asked to comment on alleged death threats he made or his pornography habits, Charlie has been quick to share the reason why his left wrist, the location of the tattoo, has been seen bandaged. The procedure took place just two days after Denise filed the scandalous divorce papers to finally put an end to this bizarre Hollywood marriage. Words can’t say what a love can do.

Finally – a role Denise Richards was born to play.

Seems like Denise Richards, soon-to-be-ex-wife of Charlie Sheen, managed to get something out of her role as a scheming publicist on the quickly-canceled UPN series Sex Lies and Secrets – some new skills she’s using in all three areas. Life and Style Weekly Magazine is reporting that Denise may have been seeing Richie Sambora, soon-to-be-ex husband of her good friend Heather Locklear, for quite some time before Heather filed for divorce. And it looks like Denise may have had a hand in Heather’s decision to end her marriage.

"[Richards] was the one who told Heather to file for divorce," a source told Life and Style. "Now it looks like she had an ulterior motive."

Ouch. Prior to the spouse-swapping, Denise and Charlie lived nearby Heather and Richie in Westlake Village, an affluent development in the San Fernando Valley of Los Angeles. And apparently a real-life Melrose Place, given what happened after both couples split up.

"Heather thinks Denise is the worst kind of woman — a backstabber," a supposed friend said. "She wants nothing to do with her ever again." Exactly how UPN felt after seeing Denise’s stellar acting ability on Sex.

Pictures frozen in time -- are becoming clearer. In Us Weekly.

Contrary to what he sings, there seems to be quite a bit left of Nick Lachey…and the folks at Wenner Media, the publishers behind Rolling Stone and Us Weekly, are getting a good view of what’s still intact. Page Six of the New York Post reports that Nick was promised the cover of Rolling Stone in exchange for his recent tell-all interview about the end of his marriage to Jessica Simpson. But when Nick didn’t provide enough dirt, executives at the magazine pulled a switcheroo and passed the photos they had taken for the cover on to their sister publication, Us Weekly.

"It's absurd to dangle the cover in front of someone, and if it doesn't work out, just hand it to another magazine. We will think twice before dealing with Wenner again," said Nick’s new publicists at Sunshine Consultants, the company he quickly hired after firing Baker Winokur Ryder who had negotiated the original arrangement at Rolling Stone.

And while no one at Wenner has publicly commented, a source familiar with the situation told Page Six that, "The Us Weekly issue [with an oiled-up, shirtless Lachey on the cover] sold really well in Chelsea, but that's about it. It was the gayest cover in years." Or, at the very least, since the last time 98 Degrees was on it.

Aloha-ir.

Read my recap of last night's episode of Blow Out at http://www.realityshack.com/modules/articles/article.php?id=1651.

Lock up.

While Lost’s Ana Lucia doesn’t seem to mind being trapped on that wacky island, or even hanging out in that spooky hatch, only time will tell if the same feelings ring true for her portrayer Michelle Rodriguez. A report on www.tmz.com claims that the actress, who appeared in court on Tuesday on a charge of driving under the influence, has chosen to serve a five day sentence in jail rather than complete 240 hours of community service. She was arrested in December after local Hawaiian police witnessed her car weaving erratically on the road.

Which, by the way, was not Michelle’s first mash-up with the law, having been involved in both a hit-and-run and a speeding incident back in 2003. These two milestones led to Michelle’s ultimate probation, a condition she violated with her most recent Hawaii arrest. That means in addition to the five days she’s willingly serving in a Hawaiian women’s facility, the Los Angeles City Attorney’s office could tack on another 16 months back on the mainland. Where her inmate number could be 4 8 15 16 23 42. Execute!

Bright lights, sing a ditty.

If you’re willing to take a gamble with your confidence, America’s Got Talent may be the showcase for you. The most recent entry into the genre of televised talent show competitions is being brought to us by none other than American Idol judge Simon Cowell and Freemantlemedia, the producers behind the hit series. And it seems just about anything will go, as scouts are reportedly looking for boy and girl bands, comedians, animal acts, acrobatic routines and burlesque performances, says the Las Vegas Review-Journal, the newspaper of the city where auditions will take place this coming Sunday and Monday. Those willing to bet Simon will let them through should be prepared to dazzle him within 2 to 4 minutes. Sinatra rip-off season three finalist John Stevens and reject William Hung need not apply.

Cry Wolf?

Do the initials in new network CW really stand for "cry wolf?"

Months after promising that ultra-sappy Christian drama 7th Heaven would not be part of their fall schedule come reports that the Camden clan may resurface after all. The Hollywood Reporter claims that cast members Stephen Collins, Catherine Hicks, Beverley Mitchell and George Stults have been contacted about their willingness to continue playing their uber-uptight alter egos for yet another reign of righteousness. And while no official contracts or offers have been extended to lock in this clearly sought-after bunch, executives at CW, or perhaps those from a higher power up above, have decided a decision regarding the future of Heaven can wait until the network’s entire program line up is reviewed. Good god, where can you go when the world don’t treat you right? Clearly not CW.

Foul ball.

98 Degrees singer Jeff Timmons capped off his participation in a Junior Achievement celebrity softball game this past weekend by making an extra-special donation to support the location fraternal order of police – a $500 gift to cover the cost of his bail, says Ohnotheydidnt (http://community.livejournal.com/ohnotheydidnt/?skip=25). Seems that after spending a fun-filled afternoon for charity with New Kids on the Block sourpuss Jordan Knight and assorted MTV reality cast members including Eric Nies and Mark Long, Jeff was caught driving under the influence. And, to add even more insult to injury, Jeff’s occupation on the police report was listed as "unemployed." Talk about the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do.

Britney bails.

The Las Vegas Review Journal reports that Britney Spears did not end up accompanying husband Kevin Federline to his album listening party at Pure Nightclub on Saturday evening. The two spent the early part of the evening dining at Nero’s in Caesars Palace, after which Britney reportedly fled in tears. The reason? Supposedly, K-Fed was concerned that Britney’s attendance at what ended up being a clearly lackluster event would overshadow him and his music. Right…because before Britney entered the picture, people were just lining up to learn more about Kevin Federline, lyrical gangsta’. With Britney a no-show, Kevin was instead inexplicably introduced to Pure partygoers, including up-to-nothing Fresh Price of Bel Air little sis Tatyana Ali, by Paris Hilton’s mom Kathy. Sounds like he really hit the jackpot.

Broken up deep inside. And broken out, on the outside.

American Idol and Grammy-winner Kelly Clarkson has joined the growing list of celebrity songbirds including Jessica Simpson, P. Diddy and Alicia Keys who now have clear skin thanks to Proactiv Solutions. Kelly’s new Proactiv commercial can be viewed at http://www.youtube.com/results?search=clarkson&sort=relevance&page=2.

"When you wake up with clear skin, it just makes your whole day better," Kelly exclaims to the cameras. "When I found Proactive, I was, like (gasp!), ‘oh my gosh, this is amazing'…I don’t know what’s in it, but it’s good." And to think, some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this.

Katie’s confession.

Recent reports that The Real World Las Vegas’ resident whore Trishelle is dating gross Counting Crows lead singer Adam Duritz aren’t true, according to skanky Katie Doyle. The ex-Road Rules The Quest cast member posted the following message about the rumor on her myspace page (http://www.myspace.com/katiedoyle) earlier this week:

"Speaking of Trishelle, did you guys see her in In Touch? I laughed my ass off. That is so funny, and so not true. They are friends, they met up at Coffee Bean and had coffee. That’s it. She does not want to marry him, she never cooked for him, and its not recent she dyed her f*$#%@g hair blonde. But overall, they got a good laugh out of it."

Much like we do at the mere sight of you, Katie. Especially when you try and convince us that just by posing for the 2006 Sexiest Women of Reality TV calendar, you actually are one. Ha!

Pru-dent advice.

The Oxygen Network has announced that Shannen Doherty, best-known for her on- and off-screen bitchy antics on Beverly Hills, 90210 and Charmed, will executive-produce and star in her own series, says the Star Magazine. And while the new program will be part of the reality genre, it actually won’t focus on Shannen’s well-known temper tantrums at all. Instead, Breaking Up with Shannen Doherty will feature the actress coming "to the rescue of men and women who are unable to muster up the courage to break off their toxic relationships with bad boyfriends/girlfriends, ‘frenemies,’ or tyrannical bosses." Because, really, who better to heartlessly end a dysfunctional relationship than the twice divorced, once jailed, anger-management counseled Brenda Walsh?

BatBride.

Just two days after she spawned the child of Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes has been given another Mission Impossible – to whip herself into shape in record time for their upcoming wedding.

A report on www.tmz.com reveals that Katie has engaged a company called Buff Brides, a fitness organization that works with brides-to-be to ensure they look their best on their big day, to help her with this task. It’s been leaked that Katie has selected a strapless A-line dress, fitted at the waist and just dusting the floor, to wear when she becomes the third Mrs. Tom Cruise. Since much of her upper body will be exposed, Buff Brides will focus particular attention on sculpting Katie’s shoulders and back. And have probably been told to steer very clear of her neck and head, as to not interfere with the brainwashing.

Kevin Federline, America’s Most Hated. No, for real, he is.

If the fact I’ve received three "exclusive" e-mail invitations from Las Vegas’s Pure nightclub is any sort of indication, I’m guessing that Kevin Federline has not been as successful in convincing people to attend his listening party tonight as he has been in getting them to give birth to his children. A story on www.tmz.com claims the anticipated attendees, at this point, include a variety of C-list music producers (which, I think, would actually be a first for ritzy Pure) and Kevin’s usual rag-tag entourage of failed back-up dancers and suspected drug dealers.

And wife Britney, of course. She’s RSVP’d and has promised to bring not one, not two, but ELEVEN of her closest pals along for the ride. A bit ironic, Britney dragging her pals to Pure, given Kevin’s recent statement – "I didn’t pimp Britney" – to Spin Magazine. You sure about that?

Get the Blowdown.

Read my recap of Tuesday night's episode of Blow Out at http://www.realityshack.com/modules/articles/article.php?id=1640.

Bo Bice is not nice.

At least that’s the impression he undoubtedly left on ex-New York Giants football player Glenn Parker after a run-in with the athlete at O’Brien’s pub on Sunday night, reports today’s Page Six of the New York Post. For reasons unbeknownst to just about anyone, the lineman approached the American Idol finalist in the hopes of striking up a conversation.

"Glenn had noticed Bo and simply asked him if he was really Bo Bice - and Bo just stared at him and said, 'No, I'm not. My name is Kevin.' It was weird," said a witness who tattled to the Post. "Glenn went away, but he started feeling like he might have imposed on the guy. So he went back to him to apologize for causing any discomfort."

And while some might have considered this gesture thoughtful and considerable, Bo apparently did not, attempting to punch the significantly-larger football player.

"Bo just went at him with his fists - maybe he thought he was Simon Cowell or something, but he tried to hit him," the same source reveals. "Glenn grabbed his arms to block the punches, but Bice broke loose and managed to graze Glenn under the chin. It was crazy because Glenn could have wiped the floor with him." (For those of you unfamiliar with Glenn Parker, he stands 6 feet, 5 inches tall and weighs in at 300 pounds). Workers at O’Brien’s quickly stepped in and threw Bo out.

"He was a real pain in the ass," a bar employee was overheard saying. And something tells me it’s the real thing.

Just another boy from Southern California…

Now that Laguna Beach’s Alex M. has resurfaced with news about the release of her upcoming album, it only makes sense that her co-star Talan Torriero wouldn’t be too far behind…and wouldn’t you know it, he’s not. Talan has announced on his web site, www.talantorriero.net, that he’ll be appearing at Fangoria’s Weekend of Horrors convention, taking place from June 2 through June 4 at the ever-so-hip Burbank Airport Hilton Hotel in Los Angeles.

And why, you might ask, will Talan be there? A good question, unless you, like me, consider just the thought of Talan pretty terrifying. But alas, that’s not the (only) reason Talan will be taking part in this career-making venture – he’ll actually he there to support his upcoming film Driftwood. And, in case you’ve forgotten, Talan’s myspace page offers a thorough description of the film, an indie feature about "an attitude-adjustment correctional facility for teens that's haunted by the ghost of a kid murdered there." Talan inexplicably plays a security guard. Right.

In more believable news, Talan has also announced, via myspace, that this fall, he’ll be working on a new television show tentatively called All the Right Moves. He’ll serve as the host of this "music dating show" where "we take nerds and help them win dates." No word on whether Talan himself will be taking advantage of this service.

Crack is whack.

It appears that being Mrs. Bobby Brown has finally caught up with once-respected and admired singer Whitney Houston, who has checked herself into a drug treatment facility in an attempt to end her addiction to crack cocaine, the National Enquirer reports. Whitney’s admission comes just weeks after the very same tabloid ran explicit stories detailing Whitney’s alleged addiction to drugs and sex, her frequent lesbian encounters and penchant for self-mutilation, all of which were graciously recounted for the magazine by her own sister-in-law Tina Brown. Ain’t it shocking what love can do?

While Whitney’s spokesperson Nancy Seltzer wouldn’t comment on her client’s whereabouts, rumor has it that Whitney’s been in rehab since around April 14. Prior to that night, Whitney had been away from her home in Alpharetta, Georgia, performing as part of a small tour. When she didn’t come back as scheduled, husband Bobby and various friends began to worry for her safety, growing increasingly frightened as there was no sign of Whitney for several days (yes, days). It was at this point that the Houston clan, callously keeping Whitney’s location a secret, finally clued Bobby into the fact that Whitney had checked herself into a rehab facility.

"It took a few days for him to find out from Whitney's family that they had talked her into going into rehab — and a few more days to get an answer about which treatment center she was in. All Bobby told me is that she is in treatment, in a secluded place," Tina told the Enquirer. So secluded, it seems, Tina won’t be able to cash in quite as quickly, if at all, on Whitney’s most recent misfortune. Ain’t nobody humpin’ around this time.

Suri for sure-y.

Unable to let Brooke Shields have the last word, or even the most recent celebrity baby, is Tom Cruise. Shortly after Brooke and her husband Chris Henchy announced the arrival of their second child, daughter Grier, earlier today came word that Tom and fiancée Katie Holmes have also welcomed their own newborn, a girl they named Suri. Baby Suri weighed in at 7 pounds, 7 ounces and is 20 inches long. No specifics regarding the actual birth have been released. Now how’s that for being glib.

Tune up.

Laguna Beach’s resident songbird Alex M. will release her long-awaited album on June 20, a report on www.mtv.com divulges. You can get a sneak peek of two of her songs on her myspace page, http://www.myspace.com/alexmmusic, as well as learn more about upcoming shows where you can catch her live.

Alex’s debut has been strategically planned to coincide with the release of season two of LB on DVD, something she’s quick to mention/promote on her most recent myspace blog posting, along with her love of Acuvue Advance Hydraclear contact lenses. All the better to finally see what a loser Jason is, we hope.

Life in plastic, it’s fantastic!

They might sing, "I’m your friend, I’m fun, and I’m fine," but Barbie had still better watch her back—Interscope Records, the label behind Las Vegas burlesque nightclub act the Pussycat Dolls, in conjunction with toy maker Hasbro, have announced plans to immortalize the girls in plastic.

Available in time for the holiday season, six dolls will be developed in the images of the current Pussycat Doll line up, says an announcement on www.nicolescherzinger.org, the web site of the Dolls’ lead singer. Designed to appeal to children between the ages of 6 and 9, the dolls will retail for around $15, right around the same price point one would expect to pay for similarly-marketed astronaut or United States Navy Officer Barbie, although most likely with a more risqué wardrobe and rockin’ hair. Although some in the industry consider this a questionable venture, given the Pussycat Dolls’ somewhat raunchy reputation, executives are determined prove the universal appeal the Dolls have achieved since the release of their PCD album—desirable to adults due to their lounge act, while somehow still moral enough to be admired by young girls previously dazzled by blonder Barbie. Or, in other words, fun for the whole family.

What happens in Vegas…

Hopefully really will stay confined to Vegas. Aspiring rapper and neglectful father Kevin Federline continues trying to convince to the public that he has a modicum of musical talent by hosting yet another listening party, this time at Las Vegas’ Pure nightclub next week. On the invite, he threatens, oops, I mean promises, to share tracks from his upcoming album, Playing with Fire. Which is great, because after getting a taste of Kevin’s lyrical stylings from America’s Most Hated, the only single you can currently download from his vulgar myspace page, I’m in a state of awe. Why, just within the first verse of that little ditty, I learned his middle finger’s still up, he doesn’t trust ho’s and his marijuana’s got him heavily sedated, the last description of which really puts the whole his-infant-son-falling-from-the-high-chair incident into perspective. No word on whether Thomas Dolby will be in attendance.

Big Brother, but better.

Always innovative network CBS continues its trend of producing cutting-edge television with the announcement of this summer’s Big Brother All-Stars, their latest spin on the reality program that locks potentially the world’s most boring people in an artificial home for three months, with only each other for entertainment and the possibly only peanut butter and jelly to consume.

In a statement released on Wednesday, CBS announced that the house guests moving in for the seventh season will be selected from participants from the previous six, all to be chosen by you, America, and your vote. The returning roomies will compete for a $500,000 prize as well as the stigma, er, prestige, of being able to outwit (if you want to call it that) their fellow bunkmates. Hard-hitting journalist Julie Chen will continue to slum as hostess.

Stephen’s sequel.

While his ex-girlfriend and Laguna Beach co-star Kristin Cavallari has been linked to Brody Jenner, Nick Lachey and just about anyone else within her reach, Stephen Colletti has been quietly dating actress Hayden Panettiere. For those of you who aren’t familiar with Hayden, you’ve got good reason, unless you were a fan of her when she worked as a child actor on soap operas One Life to Live and Guiding Light. From there, she went on to more grown-up roles, including a featured part as Ally McBeal’s supposed daughter, Maddie Harrington before peaking as the rebellious one in the Kate Hudson vehicle Raising Helen. She’s most recently completed work on the third incarnation of the cheerleader comedy Bring it On: All or Nothing, where her co-stars include singer Rihanna and perpetual second choice Solange Knowles. If that’s not something to cheer about, I don’t know what is.

Seacrest, Pout!

Paula Abdul, desperately looking to gain the approval of fellow American Idol judge Simon Cowell, turned on show host Ryan Seacrest during an appearance on The Tonight Show earlier this week, the New York Daily News reports, commenting on his supposed reaction to a recent Rolling Stone cover and rumored relationship with Desperate Housewives Teri Hatcher.

The recent magazine cover featured Paula, Simon and Randy Jackson literally in bed together, with Randy holding a book adorned with Ryan’s image. Paula claims that Ryan wasn’t happy with his lack of prominence in comparison to that of the judges and of Paula’s pooch, also shown frolicking on the bed.

"I heard plenty mad," Paula said when Tonight Show host Jay Leno asked her about Ryan’s reaction to the final product. Why is that? Because he ordered the pizza and wanted the salad?

Paula continued to mock Ryan when asked if there was any legitimacy to the recent pictures that showed Ryan and Teri Hatcher kissing on a California beach.

"He only kisses the mirror," Paula said. "And, honestly, do you think Teri Hatcher is that desperate of a housewife?"

Ohhh, snap—a real zinger from a woman often recognized for dancing with an oversized, animated cat in a music video. Last I heard, Ryan had scored himself quite the pretty penny through his new deal with the E! Entertainment Network. And Paula’s odd behavior created speculation behind-the-scenes at Idol that perhaps Mensa candidates Britney Spears or Jessica Simpson could provide more intelligible commentary than Paula’s been spouting recently. You’ve got to be doing something wrong when a baby-dropper and a stinky ass are thought to be more lucid than you…straight up, Paula.

So NoWHOREious.

In a story that truly lives up to the name of her new show on VH1, So NoTORIous star Tori Spelling will officially become a divorcee on Thursday, April 20, says Entertainment Tonight (http://et.tv.yahoo.com/newslink/12559/). Tori married hubby number one, Charlie Shanian, at the lavish home of her parents on July 3, 2004 in what was reportedly a million dollar ceremony. They separated slightly over a year later, shortly after which Charlie filed for divorce.

The dissolution of her marriage now leaves Tori free to move on to hubby number two, never-heard-of-before Canadian actor Dean McDermott, himself currently awaiting the finalization of his own divorce from wife and mother of his children Mary Jo Eustace. While the new couple has not announced the details as to when and where their ceremony will take place, Tori has alluded to a significantly smaller affair that will take place in a more tropical setting away from Beverly Hills. Might I suggest Sunset Beach, the setting of another quickly-cancelled Spelling production?

Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman. Or a good mother, some might say.

Ubër-parents Britney Spears and Kevin Federline had some explaining to do after rushing 7-month-old Sean Preston to the emergency room this weekend, where he was diagnosed with a minor skull fracture and a blood clot, Star Magazine reports. Seems that baby Sean had fallen (a.k.a., jumped) out of his high chair a few days earlier and was now sleeping just a wee bit more than the norm, setting off alarms when his parents finally noticed how much less this child was awake. Upon this realization, they brought Sean to the hospital, where he was treated and released back into his parents’ attentive arms.

Yet despite the fracture and the clot, baby Sean was still strong enough to will the Department of Children and Family Services to the Spears-Federline Malibu residence the following day. Deputies were dispatched, as per standard procedure in California when an infant is treated at a hospital for a potentially serious injury, to further investigate the cause of the accident. Britney and Kevin have since been cleared of any negligence and the case has been closed. And baby Sean? He’s stronger than yesterday.

The Real World rocks on.

Despite the rumors that had seven strangers bunking together in the suburbs of Detroit, producers of MTV’s The Real World have come to their senses and announced the 18th season will take place in Denver, Colorado, www.zap2it.com reports.

"Denver has absolutely everything we could hope for -- diversity, activities, energy and nightlife," Lois Curren, head of series entertainment at MTV, said in a statement. "We're sure that the character and spirit of this picturesque city will be endlessly compelling to the seven roommates and audience alike." Let’s hope so, because the most recent roomies in Key West are leaving quite a bit to be desired.

The Denver denizens will be housed in the trendy LoDo (Lower Downtown) area of the city, a region that’s known for it’s arts, restaurants and—shocker—lively bar scene. MTV has hinted that they will again try to force the roommates to live up to the lyrics of the show’s opening—"to live together and work together"—but have yet to announce what business they’ll inevitably botch.
Production will begin in Denver this spring. First arrest/threesome/nervous breakdown to follow shortly thereafter.

Daisy Duke does Dallas?

Proving that you can’t keep a good girl away from a bad remake is Jessica Simpson. The sometimes singer/sometimes actress has given the yee haw that she has indeed been in talks to take on the role of Lucy Ewing in the big-screen version of 1980s television drama Dallas, says www.mtv.com.

"That would be an honor for me," Simpson said. "I'm a Texas girl, so you can't go wrong there."

The role of Lucy would mark the second time that Jessica played a small-screen bombshell in a big-time remake, her part as Daisy Duke in last summer’s The Dukes of Hazzard the first (and what many hoped would be the last). And the sweetest sin Jess might have to swallow if she moves into Dallas? The theme song is instrumental, meaning there’s no chance of that hazzard country charm working it’s magic on the soundtrack.

Boiling point.

Trouble is brewing, and stewing, between supermodel Naomi Campbell and superstar Sean “P. Diddy” Combs over Naomi’s sudden decision to pull out of Cooking Showdown, a new television show that Diddy is producing, says a report in Page Six of today’s New York Post. The show, which will air on NBC, matches celebrities with popular chefs in a competition of skill and taste.

"Naomi found out Puff was the producer and dropped out," says the source who tipped off Page Six. She has since been replaced by rapper Ja Rule.

As for Diddy, he’s reportedly confused by Naomi’s sudden change of heart. It wasn’t so long ago that she gave the girls on Making the Band pointers on how to pose and appeared in his Nasty Girl video, currently airing on MTV. Her representatives, as of press time, did not return calls, perhaps a bit tied up, cleaning up Naomi’s recent mess with her maid...

Baby love.

Paris Hilton has said "that’s not hot" to a recent task assigned to her on the latest season of The Simple Life, People Magazine reports. The heiress was filming a scene in which she was asked to a newborn baby’s umbilical cord, a request with which she refused to comply.

"I was like, 'I'll throw up if I do that – that's disgusting,' " she told People, her distaste obvious. This from a girl who was widely photographed this past weekend walking through a pile of vomit while exiting a Las Vegas night club (apparently, it was too much effort to walk around it). Ahhh, the irony.

The perfect pear.

Entertainment Tonight (http://et.tv.yahoo.com/newslink/14408/) was one of the first to announce that little Apple Martin has a new baby brother. Her parents, Academy Award winner Gwyneth Paltrow and her husband, Coldplay frontman Chris Martin, welcomed their newest arrival this past weekend.

While Gwyneth had previously joked if they had a boy, he’d be named Mortimer, the couple have not yet publicly announced the probably-equally-odd name they’ll impose on this poor child. Perhaps Guinness, in honor of the beverage she was recently seen drinking?

Kenzie Dalton has one friend.

Or so says her somewhat embarrassing myspace page, http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=37930994. The soon-to-be-second-Mrs-Chad-Michael Murray reveals that she likes the Indigo Girls, Coldplay and classic rock, along with singing, acting, going to private clubs and "writing peoms" (spelling is apparently not one of her favorite things). She also claims to be making between $30,000 and $45,000 in her current profession as an extra, er, I mean, as an actress.

Which, after looking at her fiancé’s myspace page, makes it hard to see what these two actually have in common, other than what I suspect is their mutual admiration of Chad himself. Chad has 1,426 friends registered on his page (http://www.myspace.com/cmichaelmurray), favors the Dave Matthews Band, eating at the Mighty Taco and reading, prominently plagiarizing the infamous "Knowledge is power!" catch phrase. Perhaps, if he really feels that way, he can work with Kenzie on her use of grammar and spelling before their nuptials.

Bid me baby, one more time.

Britney Spears fan site http://www.untouchablebritney.net/ has announced that a pair of custom jeans the singer wore in a Pepsi promotional advertisement are for sale. The jeans were procured by the seller in June of 2003 through a separate auction benefiting The Britney Spears Charity Foundation. They are described as "approximately size 5, light stonewash, bleached and complete with cut-off top and removed back pockets to create the destroyed look, vintage sweater-knit bell bottoms, corset tie front, baby blue teddy bear and royal blue star patches with amber-colored rhinestones, and clear sequin embellishments." Pictures can be viewed on Ebay (www.ebay.com).

Wow—these are some, um, pretty unique jeans. The bidding started at $1,000 and will end on April 9, a small price to pay when it’s probably the only way you’ll ever get into Britney’s pants.

Guess who’s back (in divorce court)?

Kimberly Mathers, the soon-to-be-ex-Mrs-Eminem (again), is speaking out about the couple’s second impending divorce.

Shortly after Eminem announced that he and his wife would be splitting, Kim felt compelled to open up about what she feels went wrong via a popular radio morning show in her hometown of Detroit, Michigan, Star Magazine says.

"He left home about a month and a half ago," Kim revealed to the radio personalities on Channel 99.5 and their listeners. "He comes around once a week to see the kids [daughter Hailie, 10; adopted daughter Whitney, 3; and Kim's niece Alaina, 12]. He's not himself."

Perhaps that might have something to do with him regretting remarrying the woman he once sang about killing? Maybe, maybe not.

Kim also claimed that it was Eminem, and not her, who felt strongly about taking the plunge again this past January, just a few weeks after Em had completed treatment in a rehabilitation facility for his addiction to Ambien.

"Right after he came home from his rehab, we started to have a few problems and I thought it was going to be in our best interest to delay the wedding. But he really pushed for it...Maybe it was security for him with all the other problems he had going on, and the stress of whether he's gonna retire or not. Some type of security for him, I honestly think that's what it was."

Sure…security for Eminem who, last time I checked, was the (frighteningly) more stable of the two, the one making all money and and the one caring for Kim’s daughter with another man. I’m sure he was just looking for some stability in his life – and who better to turn to then adultery-committing, ex-cocaine addicted, probation-violating Kim? She probably thinks he "feels so empty without me."

Nic knack.

In move that would probably make her television alter-ego Edie Britt proud, Desperate Housewives star Nicollette Sheridan is selling the engagement ring given to her by ex-fiancé Nicklas Soderblom on Ebay (http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=8919837192). The Tiffany ring is part of their Legacy Collection, a 1.76 carat diamond encased in a platinum setting. Bidding for the ring starts at $20,000 and will close on April 7. Engagement ring from inevitable break up with new fiancé Michael Bolton sold separately.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Wonder what it means to Lindsay.

Lindsay Lohan’s father tells the National Enquirer that her ex-boyfriend Wilmer Valderrama is the one for her.

Interviewed while serving time for drunk driving, attempted assault, aggravated harassment and criminal contempt, Michael Lohan stated that Wilmer was always "a cut above the other guys she dated. When I met him, he was a gentleman and very respectful to her."

Sure…I bet back then, Wilmer was. But maybe not so much anymore. Michael’s comments, we hope, indicate that perhaps prisoners at the Collins Correctional Facility can’t hear the Howard Stern radio show, where Wilmer dished the dirt on Lindsay’s breasts, rated Jennifer Love Hewitt’s skills in the bedroom and bragged about taking Mandy Moore’s virginity. Michael must have also missed the part where Wilmer confirmed that Lindsay’s indeed a natural redhead. Or at least we hope he did before singing Wilmer’s praises. Ewh.

Poetry in motion.

Thomas Dolby, the man behind the 1980s hit She Blinded Me With Science, thinks Kevin Federline is doing even more than Playing With Fire.

Or so he seems to, according to a report on www.mtv.com. Kevin recently sampled the well-known pop tune on the America’s Most Hated track, part of his new Fire album, without permission. Oops. And Mr. Dolby, not impressed with Kevin’s illegal procurement of the song or his talent, is considering suing Mr. Spears for disregard of copyright laws.

"You can't just take a very well-known piece of music and add your own vitriolic rap over the top of it and get away with it," MTV News reported Mr. Dolby as saying. "If anybody's going to sing nasty lyrics over my music, it's going to be me."

Mr. Dolby was alerted to the existence of Kevin’s track by a Science fan, who was able to hear it on Kevin’s myspace page. Shortly after learning about the unauthorized sample, Mr. Dolby requested Kevin remove it immediately (which he has).

"I considered turning a blind eye to it other than, as I mentioned on my site, asking him politely to take it down," Dolby also said. "But I found out today that it aired on VH1 last week. So it's more than just an MP3 download…It's like what Vanilla Ice did with Ice Ice Baby [illegally sampling Queen and David Bowie's Under Pressure], although I think Vanilla Ice is a superstar compared to this guy."

Ouch. Ice, ice baby, too cold (too cold)…

Swapping spit of a different sort.

After being rejected by Flavor Flav on the Flavor of Love, the contestant known as Pumpkin (real name – Brooke Thompson) has found love elsewhere, says www.mediatakeout.com. With lesbian Courtney Taylor.

Pumpkin and Courtney reportedly met not long ago, but their relationship progressed rapidly, the couple announcing their engagement (yes, engagement) just yesterday. In regard to their courtship and impending marriage, Pumpkin released the following statement:

"A month ago, I was hoping that one day I would find my soul mate ... the one person I am destined to be with. I never thought I would find this person, but I have. I love you baby!"

Or, as Flav himself would probably say, "yeah, boyeee!"

Daisy does damage.

Daisy, Jessica Simpson’s Maltipoo puppy, widely recognized for being toted across the country in a pricey Louis Vuitton carrier, is acting a bit bitchy. A report in the New York Daily News claims that the pup, currently bunking with Jess on location in Santa Fe, New Mexico, scratched the singer so seriously that seven stitches needed to be administered.

"It was a clean gash to the left eye, and there was a bit of blood, but luckily it was quickly fixed. It was a pure accident when Daisy's claw caught Jessica above the eye," a source told the National Enquirer, who first reported the story. Jessica returned to the set of Employee of the Month after a quick visit to the emergency room and continued shooting.

Rob Shuter, a representative for Jessica, denies the incident was as serious as reported, claiming that while she did have a scratch, it was not severe enough to require stitches. Better luck next time, Daisy.

Cut up.

Read my recap of last night's episode of Blow Out at http://www.realityshack.com/modules/articles/article.php?id=1611.

Jessica Simpson reveals more of her sweetest sins.

For all of you who thought (hoped) that Jessica Simpson would slowly fade into back into oblivion, now that Newlyweds, and her marriage, are over, you’re out of luck. A report on www.mtv.com promises that another overly dramatic, potentially ballad-packed album will be available before the end of 2006.

Titled And the Band Played On, the album was initially slated for a November release, a date which ended up conflicting with the singer’s separation from husband Nick Lachey and ultimate announcement of their impending divorce. Not quite ideal timing, nor tempo. Originally intended to be a more upbeat, country-eqse compilation, Jessica and her producers were forced to reconsider their original plans. I mean, c’mon – even with those stellar acting skills, honed in The Dukes of Hazzard, how could Jess possibly fool her fans into a happy-go-lucky sound and attitude in the midst of her personal crisis?

"I think that with my music, you can't help but tell people a story about your life," Jessica said when interviewed. "I believe that every artist, that's their artistry — it comes out of them naturally, through lyrics, through music, through instrumentation. So with this next record, you will see and hear a lot of things I've been going through. And if that can offer any inspiration to anybody else going through the same situations, so be it. That's why I'm here."

How profound. And how lucky we are that we’re in for more details on what’s been going on with Jessica. Just in case you might have missed what she's up to, given she’s so good at keeping a low profile. Are you ready, boots?

Still getting rewarded. Handsomely.

Road Rules alumni Theo (from the Maximum Velocity Tour) and Timmy (from the USA II Tour) have teamed up to bring you Even Couple, a new set of DVDs now available for purchase on their website. And according to www.realworldroadrules.blogspot.com, it’s not the first video production the two have collaborated on, although their joint website, www.realityspot.com, doesn’t provide details about their prior on-screen alliances (MTV Challenges excluded). What else have these crazy kids been up to? Timmy’s just wrapped The Gauntlet 2 and Theo has taken his quick wit on the road, his Immature Tour making stops at colleges and universities around across the country. At least he’s putting his Road Rules wheels to good use.

One Tree Whore.

The fact that the ink on his annulment papers still isn’t dry hasn’t stopped One Tree Hill’s Chad Michael Murray from moving on to his next victim, er, fiancée. People Magazine reports that the actor (if you want to call him that), who split from (was dumped by) Tree co-star and wife Sophia Bush, is engaged again. How sweet. And he didn’t need to look too far to find his newest bride-to-be, 18-year-old Kenzie Dalton, an extra who plays a cheerleader on Tree alongside the first-Mr.-and-Mrs. Murray. How cozy is that?

Chad’s first marriage lasted a whopping five months (which, by the way, is just as long as he and Kenzie have been dating) and ended amidst much speculation that he cheated on Sophia on a regular basis, during both their engagement and their marriage. While she has not yet commented on her soon-to-be-ex’s engagement, she expressed disappointment in an interview with CosmoGirl Magazine earlier this year about the dissolution of their marriage, saying, "I can't say there are no hard feelings... I feel hurt, humiliated and broken hearted."

Bet she’s not feeling that any longer – gossip web site www.PerezHilton.com also claims a source close to the new Tree couple claims Kenzie is pregnant. Didn’t Brooke pull this same stunt on an episode last season?

Peaches and Herb. No, and Hottie.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Or like one kicked off VH1’s Flavor of Love, apparently. A group of seven of Flavor Flav’s cast offs – Sweetie, Smiley, Hottie, Pumpkin, Georgia, Goldie and Peaches – have combined what’s left of their celebrity together to create "The Flavor of Love Girls Tour, " www.tmz.com reports. And what exactly will the girls being doing on their tour, you ask? According to their website, www.theflavoroflovegirls.com, not too much, other than showing up a designated club in a designated city on a designated night, the most recent of which took place on Tuesday, March 28 (no new appearances have been posted since). You can also access the web site to join their fan club. Ahhh, savor the flavor.

Kristin gets cast.

Laguna Beach’s Kristin Cavallari, probably still smarting from the cancellation of Get This Party Started, has scored herself a role in the indie film Fingerprints, says www.tvguide.com. Her co-star, and on-screen sister, will be played by Brittany Snow, probably best known as Meg from American Dreams, but more recently recognized as crazy Ariel Alderman from FX’s Nip/Tuck. No details have been revealed as to the plot, but let’s hope for Kristin’s sake, she sticks this role out longer than her last turn in Al Pacino’s 88 Seconds.

Diddy redesigns.

P. Diddy may have quite a reputation with ladies, but it seems to end when it comes to dressing them. A report on www.allhiphop.com states that his upscale women’s collection, "Sean by Sean Combs," has been discontinued and will be replaced by a more affordable line, renamed "Sean John Women’s" (how original). Diddy is hoping that the revamped "Sean John Women’s" will appeal to a younger demographic and, in turn, be more successful than his original pricier line. Can you say remix?

Black and Blue.

Having outgrown the Backstreet Boys and unable to launch a successful career as a solo artist, Nick Carter has approached the E! network with an idea for his own reality show, www.contactnews.com reports. The series will follow the exploits of Nick, also known for his volatile relationship with Paris Hilton and a slight problem with alcohol, and three of his siblings (Aaron, Leslie and Angel) as they try to peacefully coexist under one roof.

Which would be pretty miraculous, given the Carter family history. Aaron fired his mother Jane as his manager amid accusations she mismanaged his financial earnings, shortly after which he filed for legal emancipation. Days after the two resolved their issues, Ms. Carter found herself facing assault charges after she illegally broke into her soon-to-be-ex-husband Robert’s home and attacked his then-girlfriend (now wife) with a television remote control. Robert himself later came under fire when, in a separate incident, Aaron’s other, former manager claimed he was unjustifiably dismissed by Aaron’s greedy parents, and sued Robert for libel and breach of contract. And a former roommate of Nick’s sibling BJ (inexplicably not named as a participant in Nick’s proposal for the reality show) filed charges against her, Robert and Nick on account of attacks she claimed she suffered at the hands of BJ. Yeah, I’d say they’re larger than life…

Mary-Kate’s mess.

Poor Mary-Kate Olsen just cannot catch a break.

As if it’s not bad enough to be branded as one-half of the Olsen twins for the rest of her life, as well as carry the stigma of her past eating disorder and of New York Minute, now come reports from the Star that trashy D-list celebrity Kimberley Stewart is after Mary-Kate’s boyfriend David Katzenberg. Yes, Kimberley Stewart – the 26-year-old who’s best known for dating Girls Gone Wild! creator Joe Francis and for calling off multiple engagements to other D-list celebrities (the first to creepy Cisco Adler and the second to blink-or-you-might-have-missed-it Talan Torriero of Laguna Beach). Kimberley and David were recently seen dining together at Il Sole, then, a few days later, strolling through Hollywood. Why the sudden interest in Mary-Kate’s beau? Perhaps just another way in which Kimberley can continue single white female-ing, recently-in-need-of-a-new-best-friend Paris Hilton, current girlfriend of Mary-Kate’s ex-boy toy Stavros Niarchos. Now that’s hot.

Disappointing stuff for Hilary Duff.

Much to the disappointment of perhaps only Good Charlotte’s Joel Madden, it appears that girlfriend Hilary Duff’s latest movie, Material Girls, may never actually make it to the big screen.

A report on www.andPOP.com claims that Lukas Haas, one of Hilary’s co-stars in the film, said that there’s been trouble finding a distributor to back the movie and, as a result, he doesn’t believe it will actually be released (probably much to his relief). Material Girls tells the tale of two wealthy sisters (played by Hilary and, conveniently, real-life sister Haylie – shocker) who are stripped of their fortune and forced to fight to get it back. How compelling. Oh, and at some point, you’ll hear Hilary cover Madonna’s Material Girl, although if the film doesn’t get picked up, it’s unlikely the single will be either. ‘Cause we are living in a material world, after all.

You mean it was all just a joke?

Potentially the world’s easiest target, Ashley Parker Angel, is victimized in the third season premiere of MTV’s Punk’d, he reveals on his myspace page (http://www.myspace.com/ashleyparkerangel). Ashton Kutcher, with assistance from Ashley’s glutton-for-punishment-fiancée Tiffany, engineered what Ashley says was "the perfect scenario to PUNK me with." Um, am I the only one who thinks coming up with a Punk’d scenario to fool Ashley with may not be the most challenging task in the whole world? He’s had more of his share of blond moments on his own There and Back series (remember the episode where he interviewed at the temp agency and was told he was pretty much an un-placeable candidate? Right before he was offered a position as a human billboard?). Regardless, tune in on Monday, April 3 to see if Ashley’s last few years really were just a big, liquid dream.