Beach buzz.

We’ve all heard about the new projects that Laguna Beach’s Kristin has coming up – her role in the new Al Pacino movie, her co-hosting gig for the new reality show Get the Party Started and, more recently, an upcoming appearance on Veronica Mars. But what about her LB cohorts? Does anyone else have a role in a major motion picture? A series on UPN? A guest-starring role on a Buffy the Vampire Slayer knockoff? If you want the truth, no, no one else really has any of that. But they do have some things they think are worth sharing on their own myspace.com pages.

Talan. What a relief that Talan’s got a myspace because http://www.talantorriero.com/ seems to be on the fritz, redirecting visitors to some essay on the laws of karma. Without this myspace page, we’d all be missing out the opportunity to download not one, not two, but three of Talan’s songs. And I don’t know about you, but nothing puts the chills in my spine like Talan’s vocal stylings, which, according to Talan, we should all be hearing more of soon. Talan reports that he’s currently working on his album and shopping for a record label, although rumor has it, he’s already been signed by none other than Joe Simpson. And, given the fact that Ryan Cabrera is one of Talan’s 20,991 friends, I’m guessing we'll see Talan spending time with the Simpsons any day now.

Alex M. Currently working her very own album and also a new web site – http://www.alexmmusic.com/. On Alex’s page, you can listen to two of her songs, one of which is Hello, originally heard on the Laguna Beach episode where Jason makes out with Jessica in front of LC at the charity fashion show. And, for the record, Alex’s cache of myspace pals puts Talan to shame - - she’s currently at 90,236. How’s that for a Hello!

Dieter. Unlike Talan and Alex, Dieter has no news to share regarding a career in music or a new web site. Dieter’s definitely got some heavier things going on here, including an inviting blog posting he has titled “Depressed or Suicidal? READ.” Don’t worry, you can’t miss it – it’s the entry crammed between one called “He did it! TRL to air Jan 4th” and “My book – NEW UPDATE!” Good to know that Dieter is looking out for mental health. And publicity for his book at the same time. Dieter’s myspace friend count tallies up at 80,837. Who knew there were so many unhappy people out there?

Lo. Haven’t seen, or heard, much from Lo since season one and, unfortunately, the trend continues here. What Lo does share is that (1) yes, she and LC are still friends, (2) she has a boyfriend named Patrick, (3) she thinks college the University of California Santa Barbara is awesome and (4) she has some sort of connection (or appears to) to The OC star Rachel Bilson. Lo’s myspace contains various links to Rachel’s and even a separate “LC and Rach” space. Interesting. Despite her association with Summer Roberts, Lo’s friend tally is only at 465.

Jessica. Claims to be “kinda” going to school and requests that people stop writing her hate mail – I suppose some things will never change. If you’re looking for LB pics, though, Jess’s myspace probably has the best collection, one of which shows her and Dieter with the caption, “me and the LOVE of my LIFE.” This is followed shortly by one of Kristin and Dieter that reads “my bf and my bff.” Hmm, do I sense I theme coming on? Perhaps she’s finally moved on from Jason? Wait, false alarm…the Jason/Jess picture is here, too, with the caption, “I know, I know, but it is a cute pic.” Sigh…1,795 friends.

Alex H. Nothing to really take note of on Alex’s myspace, except that she’s in desperate need of some spell check software, as evidenced by her claim that she hates “people who poses as me.” Good to know. And there’s even more fun with phonics in Alex’s interests section, where she lists hobbies including “chillen with my girlies…danSIN…getting crunk…DEL TACO.” Yum. Alex has 2,465 friends.

Casey. Happily reminds us that she’s know to LB fans as “the new girl,” which I appreciate given I always found that caption particularly humorous (and unnecessary to continue displaying after the first few episodes of the season). Casey reports that she has a “natural talent for acting” (in case we all had overlooked this, I suppose) and that she has founded the C.A.S.E.Y. foundation, which stands for the Children’s Alliance for the Success and Education of Youth in need. I’d tell you more about it, but that mention is all Casey has included on her myspace (ironic, for someone who claims to also have a “passion for helping others” – then again, she also has a passion for Dooney & Bourke). For a new girl, Casey’s got quite a few friends, 1,793 to be exact.

For $14.99, you can help Free Marissa.

As predicted in my “Tee Time” post a few or so ago, those “Free Marissa” of The OC t-shirts are now available. And what better way is there to show your support one of television’s most beleaguered heroines? Week after week, poor Marissa struggles with life-altering issues like whom, of her numerous suitors/stalkers, she should date, how to deal with the memory of shooting her current boyfriend’s brother and what Marc Jacobs outfit would look the best for yet another night at the Bait Shop. Don’t we all wish our lives for so carefree?

You can find Marissa merchandise at http://www.cafepress.com/.

Hear the ball and single drop on January 1.

As if Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve 2006 special wasn’t enough to look forward to, Kevin Federline has given us another reason to do the count down this year. At midnight on January 1, PopoZao, Kevin’s first single, will become available on music.yahoo.com. And don’t go thinking that you crafty kids out there can get an early crack at this masterpiece on Kevin’s myspace page, because you can’t – I already tried. And it stops automatically after seven seconds of (presumably) his singing of the word PopoZao. Pay close attention to this day in history – could be the first time two bombs drop at once for your entertainment.

Hit me baby one more time.

In Touch Weekly is reporting that Britney Spears is looking to conceive yet another child with uber-dad Kevin Federline, which would bring the total number of those he’s spawned (that we’re aware of) to four. Rumor has it that Britney is hoping for a girl this time around, having waited the prerequisite three months since the birth of baby Sean. The “friend,” who apparently shared this information with In Touch, claims that Britney hopes this will improve her marriage to Kevin. Right. Because having multiple children really seemed to improve Kevin's relationship with Shar. Before he left her for Britney. Talk about chaotic.

So yesterday.

I am fascinated by the phenomenon of celebrity siblings. You know what I’m talking about here – Sibling A works hard, does really well and becomes an international success. Then, shortly after Sibling A starts to receive awe and admiration, someone comes creeping up from behind –awkward, amateur Sibling B who, apparently, now thinks that as a result of their family bond, they are entitled to the same level of success. Unfortunately-named Jamie Lynn has followed Britney’s footsteps, Papa Joe scared Ashlee out of Jessica’s shadow and Solange thinks becoming Beyonce is her destiny. But out of all of the celebrity siblings that force us to pay attention to them, the one that disturbs me the most is that of Haylie Duff.

Yes, Haylie Duff. You may have heard of her and, if so, it’s more than likely been quickly followed by something like “sister of Hilary Duff.” Which makes sense, given this is still truly Haylie’s biggest claim to fame. She hasn’t gone on to headline in her own Nickelodeon series like Jamie Lynn, lip sync on live television like Ashlee, or voice characters for animated Disney projects like Solange. When you take a good look at Haylie’s resume, in fact, she’s done almost everything she could not to distance herself from Hilary. And this is why I struggle to as to why I should be forced to acknowledge Haylie as anything other than Hilary’s big sister.

To prove my point that Haylie is really only in the public eye because of Hilary, and not due to any legitimate professional experience, I searched through the best sources of information available on Haylie herself – her fan sites. And it appears I’m not alone in struggling to separate Hayls from Hils.

http://www.haylieduff.net/. Could be I wrong? A quick once-over on this site makes me think I just might be – looks like there could be a lot of interesting information here. And when I dig a little deeper, oh yes, there is. I learn that, yes, Haylie has parents, that her nicknames include Hayls (which I had already guessed), Yummy and Dirty Dog, and that she’s right-handed. Fascinating. On a professional front, I learn that, in 2004, with sister Hilary, she was the recipient of Radio Disney’s Most Rockin’ Relatives Award. Oh, and that together, she and her famous little sis own quite a few Juicy couture outfits. Despite my initial impression, I am ultimately right – lots of H&H information and little just having to do with what Dirty Dog has accomplished on her own.

http://www.haylieduff.com/. This is listed as Haylie’s official web site. But apparently it’s not quite ready – I’m greeted with a “coming soon” message and nothing else. Probably because when it came time to put it together, the webmaster realized that it would be a better use of time to work on http://www.hilaryduff.com/.

http://www.haylieduff.org/. Wait, did I click the right site here? This website says it’s actually http://www.hilaryfan.com/, dedicated to her sister and NOT to Haylie. Now I realize this is probably where the staff of http://www.haylieduff.com/ has been devoting their time.

Ironic, don’t you think?

Outtake.

The name of the Ashley Parker Angel song that plays in the background of the commercial for his new show, There and Back, is called Soundtrack to Your Life. Hmm. Wonder if other unwed, penniless fathers who live on their girlfriend’s mother’s couches are singing the same tune. Catchy.

Donna Martin marries. Again.

It has just come to my attention that Tori Spelling, television’s most famous virgin as Donna Martin on Beverly Hills, 90210, has become engaged to new boyfriend and Lifetime movie network costar, Dean McDermott. Who? Good question, as his credits prior to appearing in their thriller, Mind Over Murder, included roles in Hysteria: The Def Leppard Story, The Skulls III and the Canadian mini-series The Tournament. According to his biography at www.imdb.com, Dean also enjoys playing golf, has two Golden Retrievers and a wife of twelve years, with whom he shares a son. And is in the process of divorcing, presumably so he can cavort openly, and legally, with the daughter of television super-producer Aaron Spelling. Who is also in the process of divorcing her spouse of slightly more than a year. Hmmm, sounds a lot to me like a plot straight outta Melrose Place.

A goody from the Gauntlet.

Did you catch MTV’s The Gauntlet 2 last night? If not, you missed quite a doozy of an episode (but don’t worry – I have a hunch that MTV just might replay it once to ten times before the week is over). As usual, the Veterans and the Rookies faced each other in yet another gripping physical challenge. Teams were told to form five person human pyramids, which then needed to, as a pyramid, “walk” down a predetermined path, collect a flag from the opposite end of their lane, then return back to the starting point, all while remaining intact. Each team had one hour to rotate their people-pyramids and accumulate as many flags as possible within the time constraint. In the event of a tie between the Veterans and the Rookies, teams would need to assemble an all-star pyramid and the two would race each other to see who could capture and retrieve the flag first. The team that collected the most flags would, as usual, win the $10,000 prize to be banked in their team bank account and secure a $1,000 Best Buy gift card for their captain.

Allow me to end the suspense here – the Veterans win because the Rookies, fearful that they’ll need to save energy for the tiebreaker lap, count on the Veterans not being able to make it back with the last flag needed to give them the win. Which they do, sending the Rookies, led by team captain Alton, to the Gauntlet. And that’s really where the drama begins.

Whiny Danny from Road Rules Extreme starts getting into a screaming match with equally-whiny Jodi, a cast member from his very same season. Mind you, they are both now part of the Rookie team, but that doesn’t stop them from accusing each other of being the weak link that lost the team this mission. Ultimately, Danny’s outburst gets him voted to fight against Alton in the Gauntlet, where he loses in almost record time. Really, that Gauntlet was easily the most laughable in the history of Gauntlets – I don’t even think Alton had to break a sweat to beat Danny in the “Beach Brawl” game, where the two were oiled up, then told to wrestle each other out of the ring. Danny is told he must vacate Trinidad within the next twenty minutes, which he does, but not before picking a last-minute fight with Cara and proclaiming that his old Rookie team is ”losing a good competitor” (presumably Danny himself, although I think this is, um, questionable to say the least) and that he believes they’ll “probably fail at every single challenge from here on out.”

Wow. That Danny boy is quite the little firecracker. I mean, who wouldn’t want someone around who has such a high opinion of himself and his own abilities, who isn’t afraid to point out the flaws in others? After all, aren’t those the qualities necessary for success in a team competition? Here’s a crazy thought - could these traits, along with Danny’s tendency to complain, lose his temper, and more-than-openly slander his castmates, also have been what led Danny being the first of his Road Rules Extreme cast being voted off? Gasp!?!?! No way!?!?!

But Danny seemed so sure of himself, so full of integrity, I felt I must hear his side of the story. After all, Danny had repeatedly stated what an asset he is/was to the team. So I tuned into “Overdrive,” when the show was over, to learn more about Danny’s hopes, thoughts and dreams. And why he seems so convinced that everyone’s in the wrong but him. The following is a sampling of some of Danny’s opinions on what went wrong and on his peers:

On hearing that Jillian, Jodi, Derrick, Kina and Ibis, the entire cast from his Road Rules Extreme challenge would also be participating in The Gauntlet 2: “I was kind of upset knowing that they’re gonna all be there…I have to deal with these people again.”

On Jodi: “If there were one person in this world that I would hit with a car, it would be her.”

On Beth: “No one likes Beth and I can see why. Beth’s sadistic.”

On Jodi (again): “I can’t f*#!?* stand her.”

On his teammates, after they made the decision to send him to the Gauntlet: “It was obviously because of the Jodi situation.”

On Jodi (yes, again): “Skanky.”

On Alton, when preparing to face him in what might have been the shortest Gauntlet to date: “I’m gonna turn around and beat his a*# in Beach Brawl.”

On Jodi (yes, Jodi again - are you really that surprised?): “The person who was f*#!?* up the team wasn’t me – it was her.”

I suppose it was just a Rookie mistake.

Even the best fall down sometimes.

Howie Day’s arrest at Boston’s Logan Airport last week actually wasn’t his first brush with the law, although I would argue that I find it substantially more entertaining than that Collide song and the corresponding video. Back in 2004, when Howie was the opening act for the Barenaked Ladies, he supposedly locked a woman in the bathroom of a tour bus in Madison, Wisconsin because she rejected his advances. The scuffle, reports say, continued when Howie broke the cell phone of one bathroom girl’s friends, who tried to call the police for help, then proceeded to spill beer on these ladies when they finally freed themselves from the bus. Word of advice, Howie – the whole “you and I collide” lyric shouldn’t really be taken in a literal sense. The way to win a girl over does not involve locking her in an airtight compartment on a bus, ruining the personal property of her pals and then dousing them with cheap beer.

Cisco degrees of separation.

Although she has dispelled rumors that they are engaged, Mischa Barton has finally admitted that she is dating really dirty-looking musician Cisco Adler. Which begs two very important questions, the first being why and the second being even if it’s true, why would you admit that?

There’s not much out there on Cisco, other than that he’s the lead singer of the band Whitestarr (nope, never heard of them, or him for that matter, before he started dating Mischa). But I have gathered a bit of trivia about him that I hope you’ll remember the next time you see Beauty and the Beast lounging poolside in some exotic locale:

- - Cisco’s father is producer Lou Adler, a prominent figure in the music industry in the 1960s and 1970s, who worked with acts including the Mamas and the Papas, Sam Cooke and Carole King. He later delved into the movie industry, producing the American version The Rocky Horror Picture Show as well as the Cheech and Chong movie Up in Smoke.
- - Cisco’s stepmother is Page Hannah, sister of actress Darryl Hannah.
- - Cisco produced and starred in the movie Sweetie Pie, described on Hollywood.com as “a modern-day morality tale about a group of kids who’ve had too much, too soon.” His costars in the film include Paris Hilton and Courtenay Semel, who, by the way, just happens to be one of my favorite cast members from E!’s Filthy Rich: Cattle Drive. Oh, and the movie, wrapped in 2000, is still awaiting a final release date.
- - Cisco was once engaged to Kimberly Stewart. As we all know. Because, aside from the Courtenay Semel connection and his new relationship with Mischa, this was really the most notable piece of information about him.

Since I refuse to believe that a relationship between two people cannot last when one of them never seems to shower (hint, Cisco), I’ve been forced to come up with my own theory as to how this couple came to be. And with clearly no concrete evidence as to what they have in common, I can only resign myself to one possible reason – the “Six Degrees of Separation” game. There’s simply no other reason that these two could have possibly found each other and formed a connection – see how I surmise their union came to be below:

1. Cisco Adler appeared as a character named Papes in, what I’m sure was a blockbuster film in its day, called A Token for Your Thoughts. One of his costars was Matthew Fox.
2. Matthew Fox, prior to Lost, starred as Charlie Salinger on the series Party of Five. Ironically, recurring on both of those shows was Tamara Taylor (as Susan, Walt’s deceased mother on Lost, and as Grace Wilcox, Charlie’s unpopular girlfriend on Party during its third season).
3. Tamara Taylor later guest-starred for a few episodes on Dawson’s Creek, the very same show that featured Jason Behr as snotty high schooler Chris Wolfe.
4. After his time in the Creek, Jason Behr went on to star in sci-fi drama Roswell, the same show that Navi Rawat guest-starred on as the character Shelby Pine.
5. Navi Rawat later recurred as Theresa on The OC, which currently stars…
6. Mischa Barton!

To be honest, I could have connected them in less than six degrees (really four – lots of people from The OC had guest-starring roles on Party of Five, including Samaire Armstrong, who played Anna, and Eric Mabius, who played the mean Dean just a few months ago) – but I don’t like to brag, especially when it’s about the only reason I think these two hooked up. Perhaps if heavy-lidded ex-boyfriend Brandon Davis ever opened his eyes (literally and figuratively), he would have seen this coming…

Ya’ll Ain’t Ready.

Happy holidays to all of you out there celebrating today. And for those of you who might have finished early, and need something to do, might I suggest perusing the following new website – www.kevinfederline.com.

Yes, K-Fed has launched is own, new official website – and I can hardly contain myself. It took a few minutes for me to actually get in, as I needed to download some media flash software, but definitely worth the wait. Once I could enter the site, I was treated to a collage of photos and headlines about he and our beloved Britney, most of which I’d already seen, given I subscribe to just about every entertainment magazine out there. But regardless, I wasn’t prepared for the huge statement that Feddy literally spelled out at the end of his photo montage. I mean, it was some strong stuff, so commanding that it practically blew me away. It said, and I quote, “Now that I have your full attention, NEVER judge a book by its cover.” Wow, that’s really, really powerful stuff. And original, too, because I can’t remember the last time someone made that recommendation to me. I was so distracted, trying to keep up with the images that were flashing before me, that I almost neglected to pay attention to what I think was a pseudo-rap song playing in the background. I’m assuming this was the work of Kevin himself, but I suppose I won’t be able to know for sure until his big album release next year.

Sadly, once you get past Kevin’s proclamation, and the subsequent images of a cork popping from a champagne bottle, two glasses and some confetti, there isn’t much to see. A quick note from K-Fed himself, though, promises that I’ll soon be able to get a lot of information here and will really be able to learn more about the person Kevin actually is. And I, for one, can hardly wait. I mean, why else would I seek out his personal website, if I didn’t want to get to know Feddy on a deeper, much more personal level? To see what exactly Britney, and Shar before her, actually see in this fine, upstanding, unemployed young man.

Ya’ll might not be ready, as he raps, but I am.

For Space Ace, a day late...

Usually, I’m very good at remembering birthdays. Or just about any special occasion, actually – I’ve always prided myself on being able to keep on top of these important dates without needing any sort of reminder.

But I’m ashamed to admit that as of today, that’s clearly no longer the case. Because as of today, December 24, I am a day late in acknowledging the birthday of one of the most celebrated and renowned entertainers in recent years – Corey Haim.

I know, I know – you probably forgot all about his birthday, too. And, I mean, that’s understandable. He’s done such a good job in recent years of being sure he steers clear of the spotlight, avoiding the paparazzi and events where he’s be sure to be hounded by the media. After all, it’s not like Corey needs the publicity he’d generate from being ranked highly on Yahoo’s! buzz index or by taking part in the next edition of I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here! He’s soooo way past that. And since Corey’s been so savvy avoiding overexposure, I’ve done a little research, simply to fill in the gaps so, even though he’s kept a low profile, his recent accomplishments won’t be overlooked.

In 2003 - Corey appears in the movie Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star. Strangely, although I’ve seen this movie many times (last month, it was on heavy rotation on Showtime), I seem to have missed his cameo. This film is particularly notable, though, as it reunites him with fellow teen heartthrob Corey Feldman (who I was able to witness in several scenes of this movie – perhaps missing Haim was just my dumb luck).

In 2004 – Corey participates in The Lost Boys: A Retrospective, a DVD of commentary from cast members that’s packaged along with the movie when it’s re-released as a special edition. While researching for more about his part on the DVD, I located a short video of him and, again, Corey Feldman, giving an interview around the time the movie re-release took place. Both Coreys answered questions about their memories of working on the film, their favorite vampire death scenes, the potential for a sequel and a few random, more impromptu queries, one of which pertained to what superpower each would like to have, if one could actually be had. Feldman pretty much ignored this, but Space Ace (Corey Haim’s nickname, according to IMDB.com) said he’d like to have the power of ice. I myself was unaware that ice was actually a power, super or otherwise, but he claimed this was the power he would want so he could “go anywhere with it to blind people and hurt people.” Um, okay. The interview ended shortly after that.

Also in 2004 – Apparently a busy year for Corey, who starred in the movie Universal Groove. While I have yet to screen this film myself (it seems to not be available on Netflix), the plot sounds like it would definitely be something that Corey could relate to (if you’ve seen his E! True Hollywood Story, I think you’ll know what I mean…and, if you haven’t, it’s definitely worth checking out sometime). Corey plays Jim, the story’s narrator, who takes part in the underground party scene. From what can be inferred, from what little there is out there about this movie, Jim is himself a “once party strong addict,” who stumbles back into his old scene, where he encounters various other party people, from whom he learns some very important life lessons. Very deep. And I think I can pre-order my DVD now for only $49.50.

In 2005 – Corey’s definitely been laying low over the last twelve months. His only confirmed appearance has been as part of VH1’s 100 Greatest Kid Stars, of which there was no new footage, just clips from past projects. He did, however, rank an impressive number 26 on the list. Corey’s lack of new roles, though, can probably be best explained by what another source reports he’s been doing most of this year - living in Toronto, with his mother, working part-time at a record store. Perhaps while he’s there, he can pick up a copy of Irish band The Thrills’ single Whatever Happened to Corey Haim? Hmm, wonder if you get can that on iTunes…

Are you in or out?

As the end of December gets closer, I’ve started thinking about the things people do to prepare for a new year. After all, the date of January 1st alone seems to be pretty symbolic – it’s when all the holiday parties are over, when it’s time to return to work full-time again and when you decide whether or not those resolutions you made are worth even trying for when all is said and done. But for me, January 1st is also special for another reason – it’s when the infamous “In and Out” lists get published.

In honor of the “In and Out” lists that I enjoy reading so much on New Year’s Day (here’s to hoping that my beloved Ugg boots are back in again this year), I’ve compiled a list of what I’d like to see be back in this year and what I’d like to see move out. While I’m not a recognized authority on the latest trends, I am (in my own little world) on all things television, which is what my in and out list is focused on. With that, here is my list of characters who I’d like to see come back in this year and those who I’d like to see go back out.

Come Back! Jake Jaglieski on One Tree Hill
It’s not because I think Jake was the bee’s knees, or anything like that. It’s actually because the writers clearly have no idea what to do with Peyton now that he’s gone. I know there’s this whole sub-plot with her adoption going on, blah, blah, blah, but recent episodes have actually had poor Peyton talking to her subconscious. Can we say desperate?

Go Away! Chris Keller on One Tree Hill
Why? It’s pretty simple, actually. Because he (1) doesn’t go to school with these kids, (2) doesn’t live in Tree Hill and (3) generally has no purpose for being on the show, other than to give his portrayer Tyler Hilton what always seems to be a really forced opportunity to perform an overly-sappy love song that has nothing to do with the characters or the plot.

Come Back! Zack Stevens on The OC
Zack was such a nice guy – funny, thoughtful, considerate. I know he was the wedge that split up Seth and Summer in season two, but he was also the one who brought them back together in the end. And I’m not suggesting that Zack return to cause trouble, but isn’t a bit unusual that the whole Harbor gang NEVER runs into him? I mean, c’mon – last season, you could barely turn a corner without Zack being there. And really, Ryan and Seth need to hang out with more than just each other...those Newpsies may start to talk.

Go Away! Johnny Harper on The OC
Couldn’t we all see this coming? Of course Johnny was going to fall for Marissa. Just like in season one, when admirers included boyfriend Luke and freak Oliver. And in season two, where devotees included pointless DJ the yard guy and shock value bartender Alex. The same story continues over and over…isn’t there another obstacle that can be thrown at Marissa and Ryan to keep them interesting without it being another stalker?

Come Back! Polster on Laguna Beach
In my opinion, Polster never really got a fair shake on LB. He appeared briefly in season one, then again just as briefly in season two. And while I’m confused as to why cutie Polster never really got much screen time, I’m more confused as to why the Laguna girls were chasing Stephen, Dieter and Talan when Polster was there the whole time. Are they blind?

Go Away! Jessica on Laguna Beach
Where do I start with Jess? It’s hard to watch her, because we’ve all been there. But then it’s hard to stop, because it’s like looking at a car wreck – hard to turn away from. This past season, Jessica lost her pseudo-boyfriend Jason, her dignity in Cabo and any shred of respect just about anyone might have had for her. Some time away, so we can forget how laughable and pitiful she looked by the end of the season could only help.

Pieces of me.

Could You Be a Simpson?

Apparently yes, according to the results of a multiple choice test I found on http://www.mtv.com/. Which I don’t know quite know how to react to, given what I’ve seen of that family. Regardless, here’s why I’d fit in, according to MTV:

Welcome to the Simpson family! You possess the rare combination of good-looks, style, appeal and goofiness that makes you a perfect fit for this A-list family. You may be high-maintenance at times but you've got loads of talent and charm to make up for it. Who can resist your fantastic smile? When you flash those pearly whites, you can get whatever you want. Keep doing what you're doing and you may have your own reality show soon! Just make sure you keep some Rolaids on hand in case of an acid reflux emergency.

Newlywed no longer.

You have to wonder what we really didn’t really see on Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica if Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson feel the need to hire a private judge to provide over their divorce proceedings. After all, didn’t we, the public, spend the last three seasons watching just about their every move? And, believe me, I think there were probably some moments in there that we all really could have lived without being privy to -- case in point:

Season One: Jessica sharing how she needed to “drop some kids in the pool” after lunching on fast food with family members in Nick’s hometown of Cincinnati. How ladylike.

Season Two: Jessica stops serenading a male fan at a performance to say that she’s sorry if her breath stinks. Way to make the moment extra-memorable.

Season Three: Jessica repeatedly announces, while she works out at the gym, that she smells bad, really bad, stating “my pits…I stink like a man.” Sometimes, it’s better to leave details like this to the imagination.

All Seasons: Any moment where Jessica’s creepy father/manager/seemingly permanent shadow Joe is present. Because 99% of the time, his interest in her, and the statements he makes about her, seem a bit, um, disturbing.

I guess we’ll just never know what else went on behind the scenes. Until Joe gives an interview about it, that is.

Would have thought Miller Lite.

I realize that, aside from my appreciation for all things television and one-time celebrities, I’ve shared very little about myself on this blog. So, partially for that reason, and partially out of boredom, I spent some time tonight figuring out how best express the qualities that make me who I am. And while I could do that by just trying to describe myself the best I could while, at the same time, trying to be sure I cast myself in a positive light, I determined there was definitely a better, more impartial, accurate way to illustrate the person I am. Instead of taking an honest try at it on my own, I took not one, not two, but three different personality quizzes on the Web.

Quiz #1: What Kind of Villain Are You?
Because, let’s face it, being bad is always more interesting than being good. After answering several multiple choice questions, designed to gage how wicked I really am, the results are in.
I am an Evil Genius – here is the description:
You’re too smart for your own good sometimes. And because you can be quite stubborn, you believe you’re always right. You don’t need other people to boost your self-confidence, but people are usually glad to boost your ego…because you’ve proven to them that there are things worse than death.

Quiz #2: What Type of Drink Are You?
Chosen because I had a pretty good idea of what sort of drink this quiz would tell me I was…and I was pretty close.
I am a Heineken – here is the description:
You are a Heineken. You’re a little more sophisticated than most people, but it’s not like your Einstein. Your tastes are more refined, your temperament is always level and not out of control, and you’re not trash. The only bad thing about you is that you’d probably buy one of those tiny BMW convertibles. That car sucks.

Quiz #3: Which John Hughes Movie Character Are You?
Who can’t relate to at least one John Hughes movie character, after all? That’s the reason all those movies are regarded so fondly today, 20 years later.
I am Samantha Baker – here is the description:
You’re little miss smarty pants. People tend to like you once they realize you’re more than a pale faced redheaded nerd. It may seem like your family pays no attention to you because you’re the less talented one in the family, but they’re just absent-minded. Come to think of it, even your love interests never seem to know you exist. What’s wrong with you? (Side note for this description – I am a brunette, not a redhead.)

To sum it up, I appear to be an inflexible, level-headed know-it-all who conveys a quiet disposition with a mean undercurrent. Who would have guessed that I’m part Heineken?

Lost and Found: Eden’s Crush.

A few days ago, when I wrote about O-Town, it got me thinking (yes, it takes things as profound as O-Town to engage my brain in some serious thought). Whatever happened to some of those other infamous made-for-television bands? Or any of the other made-for-television personalities I used to watch on a regular basis? Or just about anyone else in the public eye that I used to follow, who has since disappeared? Can I count on MTV to, like they’re doing for Ashley Angel, track them down and be sure I’m in the loop on where they are now?

Probably not (c’mon, not everyone is as magnetic as Ashley, after all). And, to satisfy my own curiosity, as well as do my part to ensure these folks, and their contribution to the entertainment industry as a whole, are never forgotten, I’ve decided to launch my first official blog feature – the “Lost and Found” posting. And who have I found today? Glad you asked: Eden’s Crush.

Don’t pretend you don’t know who they are. Back in 2001, viewers tuned into the always-quality WB network to watch the formation of girl group Eden’s Crush on their “reality” show Popstars. Post their season on television, Eden’s Crush released their first, and only, album, appropriately titled (surprise!) Popstars. The album went on to spawn mega-hits including…well, Get Over Yourself. And there’s a cover of Sheila E.’s The Glamorous Life. But I digress.

So what have the members of our first reality girl group been up to since we last heard from them?

Rosanna Tavarez. After her stint with Eden’s Crush, Rosanna transitioned into a television host, appearing on Good Day Live, On-Air with Ryan Seacrest and, more recently, on various TV Guide channel specials. There, she joins another singing reality personality, that of Kimberley Caldwell of American Idol.

Ivette Sosa. According to Ivette’s own website, she’s been very busy (and appreciates the continued support she is apparently still receiving from her fans). If you’re lucky, you can catch her in the Broadway show Latinologues, directed by Cheech Marin. But you’ll have to hurry, as the show is scheduled to close at the end of December. Oh, and Ivette is actually an understudy, so there are no guarantee that she’ll actually be performing if you make plans to see the show. Fortunately, if you miss her on Broadway, you can still get a glimpse of her in a recent Robitussin Cold and Flu commercial or in a print advertising campaign for fast-food chain Wendy’s.

Ana Maria Lombo. While there isn’t much out there on Ana Maria, my research reveals that she’s attending in college and continuing to pursue music. Oh, and she’s also, over the last few years, appeared on episodes of The Bold and the Beautiful (as a model) and an episode of Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. Ana Maria is a Taurus. Sorry, just felt, with so little news to report, I needed to throw in something you might not know, or remember, if you really were/are a devoted fan, about Ana Maria.

Maile Misajon. Sigh…like Ana Maria, I have found little new information to report here. Maile appeared alongside Ana Maria (and all the other members of Eden’s Crush, by the way) on the same episode of Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, and later played the role of “Girl on Date” in the 2003 movie Jack Woody (no, I’ve never heard of it either). But prior to appearing on Popstars, Maile attended UC Davis where she was a member of the Alpha Phi sorority. This is notable because some of her equally distinguished sorority sisters include Jodie Sweetin (Stephanie Tanner on Full House) and Jeri Ryan (most recently, meanie Charlotte on The OC, although others will remember her from Star Trek: Voyager). And I’m sure the bonds of this sisterhood have helped sustain her through her transition out of the spotlight that was Eden’s Crush….

Nicole Scherzinger. Prior to becoming the most well-known Eden’s Crush alum, the upshot of her role as the current lead singer of the Pussycat Dolls, Nicole appeared in episodes of the television shows My Wife and Kids and Half and Half. She also scored the role of “Champagne Girl” in the movie Love Don’t Cost a Thing. And, somewhere in between all these gigs, she managed to become engaged, then dis-engaged, to Nick Hexum, lead singer with the band 311.

Any more findings on the members of Eden’s Crush can be posted here, in the comments section.

Quest for the Carver.

Like everyone else out there, I am anxiously awaiting tomorrow night’s reveal of the Carver on Nip/Tuck. And for the last several weeks, I have carefully avoided any media that threatened to reveal his identity for fear of not being able to enjoy the inevitable excitement that will come at the conclusion to this really spooky story. But in the last few days, due mostly to the Carver web site promos that broadcast at the end of each Nip/Tuck episode, my resolve has weakened. Not so much that I visited spoiler sites, but I did check out the Carver’s site on myspace to see if my Carver theory would fit the bill.

And, I think it does. Based on my extensive, somewhat obsessive Nip/Tuck viewing over the last three seasons, as well as information gleaned from the web site of the Carver himself, I am ready to reveal my prediction for the Carver’s true identity.

Merril Bobolit.

Okay, so it’s not all that shocking. And I know that there are others out there who share the same opinion as I do. But since I’m not them, and this my forum here, allow me to share with you, after doing the appropriate research, why I believe Merril and the Carver are one in the same.

His favorite music. According to his myspace bio, the Carver favors 80s pop. On episodes where Merril is present, we hear lots and lots of this music. Particularly on the episode entitled “Oona Wentworth,” where we discover Merril is now completely down and out, injecting homemade botox (or “Bobotox,” as he has branded it) into women too poor to otherwise afford such procedures. Featured 80s hits during that episode, in particular, include Back to Life by Soul II Soul and Touch Me (I Want Your Body) by Samantha Fox.

His blog entry dated Saturday, December 17. The Carver notes here that his mask is “a gift to the world.” Um, yeah, because if the Carver is Merril, we all remember what happened at the end of episode #26 – he cut his face off in an attempt to swap it with that of our hero, the dashing Dr. Troy. In that same blog entry, the Carver also vents his frustration with people seeking to replicate the look of certain celebrities, one of whom, he mentions, is Jennifer Lopez. Who, quite coincidentally, was the actress whom one of Merril's Bobotox victims was striving to replicate. Hmmm….

His favorite book. The Confessions of St. Augustine, to boil it down, is a story of conversion, both from a religious and from a philosophical perspective. In the book, St. Augustine struggles to attain spiritual fulfillment while faced with life’s immoral, often evil, challenges. The Carver, again on his very own myspace web site, claims to read a passage from this tale every night. And, ironically, you can see how our Merril could also relate to this story, as he struggles to overcome just about everything. His practice falling apart, losing Kimber, patients dying – Merril, like St. Augustine, just can’t catch a break when faced with cold, hard realities of life. Take a pause to consider this connection…it’s a deep one.

His orientation. The Carver claims to be unsure of his sexual preference. Um, yeah, as was Merril. And both have pursued, in their own ways, Sean, Kimber and Christian. You may draw your own conclusions here.

I’ll leave you with this last, parting thought – when we last saw Merril, he was sucking in the anesthesia while Christian lay tied to a table, the music of Supertramp playing in the background. You heard the lyrics, “feel no sorrow, feel no shame – come tomorrow, feel no pain.” Carver prophesy for season three?

R.I.P., New Years Eve.

Am I the only one who’s so ready for the holiday season to just be over? Not Christmas or Hanukkah, per se – I’m not a total grinch and love all the gift-giving that comes along with marking a pseudo-religious occasion each and every December. These holidays tend to be focused around family, gathering with loved ones (generally at someone’s house, as almost everything on earth is closed) and, again, the presents. Quite the recipe for a successful day.

Yes, those holidays generally pass pretty painlessly, made even more painless by all the new goodies you’ve collected, as well as the yummy leftovers that you can eat for days. It’s the holiday that sneaks up on you just a few days later that, if you’re like me, you just flat-out hate: New Years Eve.

Yes, New Years Eve. And why this holiday, more than the other holidays that happen around this time of year? It’s pretty simple, actually, if you fit the profile - young, single, living alone and working too much. But try to explain this to someone who doesn’t fit that description and almost inevitably you’ll be met with a blank stare or a really confused look. And for those of you out there, who just don’t get why I dread the evening of December 31st, allow me to explain.

How much are you willing to spend? $75? $125? $200? Because even though there are hundreds of hotels, bars and restaurants throwing intimate to enormous events, it’s pretty pricey to party that night, wherever you end up. Between reservations, transportation, new clothes, food, drink and excessive tipping to keep the sauce flowing, you’d better have some pretty deep pockets. Good thing you’re single and don’t need to also foot the bill for that special someone on this night, right?

Where will you be when the clock strikes midnight? Well, if you’re single and actually ventured out to celebrate, you’ll be hoping that this year, the song Auld Lang Syne lasts less than five seconds instead of it being seemingly endless. Because it’s a blast to watch everyone around you kiss their significant other, as the music plays in the background, while you try not to burst into tears, causing your new $23 mascara to run. And, if you’re single and at home, you’re desperately trying to sleep through the sound of fireworks and drunken revelers outside and/or calm down your frantically barking dog, who’s terrified of all the commotion.

What will you say on January 2nd, when everyone asks how your night was? The dreaded question – do you lie and say you partied like it was 1999? Or tell the truth - that you got all dolled up in your best pair of sweat pants, ate entire large pizza by yourself and watched a marathon of movies on the Lifetime channel or reruns of CSI? Wow, tough choice.

I’ll take extra cheese, please.

Happy anniversary.

Today’s entry is all about props to me, from me. It’s now been one full week of successful blogging, with at least one new entry a day (sometimes two). To mark this momentous occasion, I’ve identified a few other entertainment milestones that happened within one week or less. My accomplishment is definitely in line with some of these great moments in television history.

Took place within one day or less:
The Real World San Francisco’s Jo leaves The Gauntlet 2 within hours of her arrival on the island of Tobago. And while it’s certainly fun to watch, it’s pretty unclear to both the cast, and the audience, what caused her to snap, call the local authorities and declare she’s been manhandled. Had she attended the party for Mark’s birthday going on inside the house, you might have been able to believe some of what she was claiming happened. However, she spent most of the episode outside on the phone, talking to her dad. Perhaps it was the chocolate sauce on her bed that really pushed her over the edge? I suppose we’ll never know…unless she comes to the inevitable The Gaunlet 2 reunion special!

Took place within two days or less:
The first threesome on The Real World Las Vegas (or actually on any season of The Real World, for that matter). Respectable cast mates Trishelle, Steven and Brynn provided this priceless moment on their second night of their stay at the Palms Hotel and Casino. I suppose they just assumed what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. Unless, of course, you’re time there is being documented by MTV. Oops.

Took place within three days or less:
Lamest nickname in reality history established by Mensa candidates Scott, Drew, Jase and Michael on Big Brother 4. They willingly, and excitedly, decided to start referring to themselves as “The Four Horsemen.” I had to mention this because that nicknamed lasted through the entire season and never sounded anything other than ridiculous when mentioned. Hard to believe that Drew went on to actually take home the grand prize.

Honorable mentions - milestones that took place during the first episode, during the first week, of a new series:
Ashlee Simpson dumped by boyfriend Josh on episode one/season one of The Ashlee Simpson Show. So surprising that this didn’t last – they seemed to have such a deep connection in that first slightly-less-than-twenty-five-minute episode. How many other couples can claim to have that whole armpit sniffing thing in common?

Carmen Electra and Dave Navarro, engaged lovebirds on Til Death Do Us Part: Carmen and Dave, pose as corpses for photographer David LaChappelle during the premiere of their reality series. Did I mention that this picture will be used on their wedding invitations?

During Beauty and the Geek's first challenge, Lauren misspells the word “tattoo” and states that Thailand is in Korea. Cheryl misspells the word “calendar” and notes that Columbus sailed the ocean blue in the year of 1942 (duh). Spelling and geography teachers everywhere cringe.

Tee time.

Getting a bit of a late start on today’s post – having some trouble getting focused today due to the drama that makes up those Simpson sisters. What a run of back luck those two are having the last few weeks! First, Jessica announces her separation from Nick (and plans to divorce yesterday), and now Ashlee inexplicably collapses after a concert in Tokyo. Fortunately, both of these items have been picked up by press across the world, so the sisters are surely getting the TLC they need from the media. And what better cure could there possibly be for two entertainers made famous by letting camera follow them in their own reality television shows?

On to today’s topic, which is only mildly related to what’s obviously one of my favorite pastimes (watching reality programming) - a list of the top television-related tees I covet for the holiday season:

1. “Divorce Kevin” t-shirt. I saw this advertised on the fittingly-named “Divorce Kevin” website, where non-K Fed supporters post pleas for Britney in an attempt to sway her into leaving her marriage. And there are seven different styles to choose from, which gives you seven different ways to shout it out. Seeing this message so many different ways would probably blow Kevin himself away, not due to the statement itself, by the concept that the rest of the world does indeed change their clothing more than once a week.

2. “Team LC” t-shirt. This one may be a little outdated, as LC’s now moved on to her own show, The Hills, but I still feel I owe her my endorsement. Sure, Kristin’s definitely more fun to watch, and we all wish we could be a little like her, but we’ve also all been in LC’s shoes and know how it feels. Of course, my shoes were probably never as nice/expensive, but I can relate nonetheless.

3. “Wink, Wink” t-shirt. Only true fans of The OC will remember this one, worn by Summer in an episode of season two, the one where she and Cohen redecorated Marissa’s room. This item, though, could easily be exchanged for the “Free Marissa” t-shirt glimpsed at the end of last week’s episode that will inevitably be for sale soon or for the “I Shot Trey” one that’s already available for purchase.

4. “Tutor Girl” t-shirt. Take note, all faithful three readers I have – the mention of this catch phrase introduces a new hidden television treasure that I rarely admit in public to watching. This snide comment used to be uttered on a regular basis by Brooke to Haley on One Tree Hill. And, since Brooke is the only character on that show that doesn’t seem to be crying on a regular basis/fighting with a long-lost parent/working to save a troubled marriage, I award my admiration to her. Plus, in real-life, she just broke up with icky co-star Chad Michael Murray, so more points for her there.

5. “Dawson’s Creepy” t-shirt. Yes, the show is no longer on, but I think this phrase really does epitomize how I felt about Dawson, and his cast of colorful pals, when it did broadcast on a regular basis.

Liquid dreams.

Back in 2000, the formula for a boy band seemed pretty clear-cut. Find a group of diverse young men, different enough from each other so that they’d have broad market appeal, ensure they could sing passably in a group setting and provide them overly-sweet songs about love, girls, more love, heartbreak, and love again. It was with this template that the band O-Town came to be.

The formula, it would seem, hasn’t changed so much. But O-Town sure has.

I’ve been reminded of O-Town in recent days because I just saw a commercial on MTV for an upcoming new series called There and Back. I stared long and hard and the blond guy in the commercial, who stands on a street corner strumming a guitar, before figuring out, from MTV’s non-verbal cues, who he was – Ashley Angel, late of O-Town. Seems the blondie is no longer topping the charts and it attempting a comeback. And I think that’s probably putting it nicely – MTV’s web site says Ashley’s got no money, no home of his own and a pregnant girlfriend (notable, because she’s not longtime gal-pal Shelly from the original Making the Band – gasp!).

Knowing that Ashley’s well-being now rests on the shoulders of young ladies like me, those of us who were in his target demographic way back when, I did a quick Internet search to locate some O-Town goodies available for purchase. Although part of me expected to see Ashley himself hawking his classic O-Town memorabilia, based on how MTV has characterized his situation (although this doesn’t appear to be the case), I was able to locate the following items available for purchase, a symbolic way to demonstrate your faith his return to the music world:

· April 2001 issue of YM Magazine, autographed by the entire band. $9.99. A bargain, considering you not only get to show your loyalty to Ashley, but also the rest of the remains of O-Town.

· “Warning: Ashley Parker Angel – may cause uncontrollable excitement in humans” key chain. $8.50. Certainly won’t for dogs. My puppy is next to me right now, sleeping through this entire posting. Yawn.

· Black and white pillowcase with Ashley’s picture and the phrase “Cover me with dreams.” $17.50. Um, slightly creepy – will refrain from further comment and leave open to your own interpretation.

· “It’s an Ashley Angel thing…you wouldn’t understand” t-shirt. $18.50. Somehow, I think I would, but apparently, if these t-shirts are actually available, I may be in the minority.

As true fans will know, it’s all or nothing.

Randal, You’re Fired.

Those are the words that Donald Trump really should have said last night about 60 seconds after hiring Randal on the season finale of The Apprentice. I stayed up late (for me) to watch the entire episode to see who fared better, Randal or Rebecca. And I was pretty confident, and correct, I might add, that Randal would be the one who walked away with the reward. But his actions, after getting the news, were pretty tasteless

The Donald spends the first hour and forty minutes of the show introducing clips, where we can see how both contestants did on their final tasks, and polling select “fired” cast members. Toral, Marshawn and Alla are three of those chosen to express their opinions. As expected, Toral defends Rebecca pretty passionately, as she should given Rebecca’s defense of Toral earlier in the season (which the Donald also points out to her before cutting Toral off). Marshawn throws her support to Randal, while at the same time insinuating Rebecca is a weak player (interesting given on an episode just a few weeks ago, Marshawn backed out of doing the Star Wars presentation to the Best Buy executives, minutes before their arrival, and Rebecca was left to pick up the pieces). But its Alla’s comments that are so extreme even the Donald cuts her off to make them stop. She’s just downright nasty, saying Rebecca’s weak, unqualified, a poor leader – this from a woman who, before hitting it big in the salon business, made a living giving $40 lap dances and was cited as the reason one of her “customers” took up robbery and murder. Interesting. Now I’m not one to judge, but isn’t it a bit hard to listen to someone with such a colorful background talk about integrity and ethics?

So the show continues, with Randal and Rebecca taking turns pleading their case and doing their best to disparage the other. Randal keeps bringing up his 3-0 track record as project manager, the fact that all the fired candidates support him, that he was the candidate consistently selected to come aboard the opposite team when that opportunity was granted by the Donald and that his educational background and professional experience far exceed Rebecca’s. And it’s hard for Rebecca to dispute this – she had a less successful track record as project manager, was traded by her team when the opportunity to release weaker players was given and she’s only 23 years old. Aside from nicer hair, she doesn’t have much on Randal. It’s clear, at this point, if it wasn’t before, that Randal is obvious choice to work for the Trump organization.

Randal is hired. There’s lots of commotion and screaming on the stage, excitement from just about everyone but Rebecca. But here’s where the show actually gets interesting. After calming Randal down, and forcing him to return to sit next to Rebecca at the boardroom table, the Donald asks Randal if Rebecca is a good candidate. And Randal, who at this point seems to care less, says of course she is, she’s great, blah, blah, blah. To which the Donald suggests that maybe he should also hire Rebecca – what does Randal think about that?

And Randal, the big jerk that he’s about to become, says NO. Yes, he says NO. You can completely see Rebecca’s body language change (although she regains her composure within milliseconds), as well as some confused looks from the Donald. Then the newest apprentice/MIT grad/PhD goes on to say that the show is not called The Apprenti (yes, he used that word - is there any resource that will confirm this is even a word? Do they not cover basic grammar when you’re a Rhodes Scholar?), but The Apprentice. Singular. Meaning that he should be the only candidate hired.

Am I really the only one who thinks that’s pretty unreal? I mean, it’s not like Randal and Rebecca would have to work together – when the two project options were presented earlier in the episode, they both picked opposite ones, so chances are, she would have been assigned to the project Randal didn’t want. And what difference does it make to Randal, after all? He got the job, now will have the prestige of winning the “13 week job interview” and working for Donald Trump – was it necessary to, within seconds, make an incredibly selfish, fairly destructive professional decision that had NOTHING to do with his own career and entirely impacted someone else’s? Randal single-handedly determined Rebecca’s professional fate for his own egocentric reasons. Even if you aren’t a Rebecca fan, you just have to hope, for the sake teaching this man a very important lesson about karma, when the show was over, the Donald still found a place for Rebecca in his organization. Doing what doesn't matter, as long as she's employed (although supervising Randal would be another great lesson in what goes around, comes around). I don’t even know if heartless Alla could have been that cruel.

Wait, strike that – I’m sure she would have done the same thing.

.

Apply here.

Have you ever worked a seasonal retail job? Not a part-time retail job, where you know you’ll be there on an ongoing basis, need to maintain a façade of genuine interest and butter up the right people so you’ll be scheduled for the good shifts. I’m talking about those temporary retail jobs that only come around once a year, right around the time that Santa heads to town.

I’ve been there. And done that. Twice, actually. And, from a temporary seasonal employee to all the retail managers out there, I have a bit of advice.

Don’t fool yourself - seasonal workers don’t care about store goals. I can’t tell you how many times I listened to a manager tell me about the importance of exceeding last year’s sales by a minimum of 10%, what last-minute add-on items I should push at the end of a sale or how it was important that “our” store out-sell all the other locations of “our” same store in the immediate area. Seasonal workers care about no more than two things – (1) how much of a discount they’ll get, and/or (2) how much they get paid an hour. Anything else is just a waste of your time and energy.

Don’t expect a seasonal worker to learn about the merchandise. Seriously. Even a little bit about the merchandise. Is it sterling silver and need to be polished? Will this get damaged in the dishwasher? Does that come in mahogany? It’s all irrelevant to the seasonal staff member. We’ll say whatever sounds right at the time and not give it a second thought. After all, we won't be working there anymore when the customer comes back to the store to make a complaint or to return the item.

Don’t think a seasonal worker will ever be enthusiastic. Because there’s really no reason to be. We’re there because, again, we need the discount and/or the cash, not because we have a burning desire to sell glassware, picture frames or custom sofas. Spending your weekend nights working past midnight, restocking drapery rods or counting thousands of linen napkins for inventory purposes won’t get us excited. Nor will the new “quick-ship” program that “we want all of our customers to know about” or the latest holiday CD that’s been playing on repeat for the last 8 hours.

With those suggestions in mind, I’d suggest those professionals looking for seasonal help now revise any job postings to read more like the following example:

** Insert store name here ** seeks warm body to look authoritative, act knowledgeable and feign interest in products and people. Must be able to walk, talk, smile and nod in agreement when appropriate. You probably won’t have fun, meet interesting people or gain new skills, but you will get a cash prize for your time and tolerance every two weeks.

I channel Britney.

"They look like boobs...but they're my knees! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!"

I've re-created the opening scene of Britney and Kevin: Chaotic with just one camera frame.

Mulling in the morning.

4:47 am Alarm is screaming at me to wake up.

4:52 am More blaring alarm noises. Puppy Bella is annoyed that I’ve disturbed her sleep. Stumble out of the bedroom to get ready for the gym.

4:59 am Have washed my face, brushed my teeth and dressed in my gym clothes. Now struggling with a ponytail that does not want to cooperate. Am bothered that after three attempts, I cannot get the funny bump on the left side to lay flat. Give up.

5:03 am Gather necessary supplies – water, iPod, headband, lock.

5:06 am Finish tying running shoes and put on winter coat. And gloves – looks frightening cold outside.

5:08 am Am correct – air outside feels arctic. I wonder if I could get frostbite during the 50 foot walk to the car. I wonder if this sort of weather inspired the person who created Mr. Freeze from Batman. I wonder if it’s possible that I could will the car to move closer to me instead of me moving closer to it.

5:10 am I fail in my attempt to telepathically move the car. Which I start shortly thereafter to be greeted with that annoying techno remake of Heaven blaring on the radio at level 47. Note to self to remember to turn the radio down when I come home from work and park the car to avoid this scenario again tomorrow. Both head and heart are not prepared this early in the morning for music that could bring on a seizure.

5:14 am Arrive at gym and park right outside the door. Wonder, as I walk in, if the people who work there, and see me five days a week before the sun rises, think I’m crazy. Or just frightening in general, which I must at least appear to be. Coordinated movements haven’t kicked in, I have no make up on and I can barely muster a response to their greetings.

5:17 am Struggle to take fleece pants off, the ones that I put on over my shorts so I wouldn’t freeze on outside. Try to take them off one leg at a time, while still standing up, but end up flailing and falling against lockers. End up having to sit down on a bench and pry pants over my shoes. Embarrassing, but fortunately, no one else is there to witness.

5:19 am Stand on treadmill, getting ready to run. Have turned the mini-TV on my treadmill to MTV and have covered the mileage meter/clock/calorie calculator with a towel. Magically, maybe if I can’t watch the clock during the entire run, the time will go faster. Unwrap headphones for the iPod.

5:20 am Feel rush of hot air. Look up and see the man who’s vacuuming the gym floor, with one of those portable vacuums worn on your back, behind me. Apparently, I have already let off a lot of dust that must be cleaned up. Immediately.

5:21 am Turn treadmill up to 6.3 miles per hour. Start listening to The Choice is Yours by the Black Sheep.

5:24 am Vacuum man back. How could I have made the treadmill/area around me dirty in the last four minutes?

5:25 am Black Sheep song over – manually change iPod to play Love Like This by Faith Evans. Am reminded of that movie Save the Last Dance. Wonder why they never made a sequel.

5:26 am Watch Don’t Bother video by Shakira on my mini-TV while still running. Wonder how Shakira managed to get her boyfriend’s car into that impound lot with no one noticing, especially given the spotlight that stays on her the whole time she’s there.

5:27 am Watch Shakira crush car and see boyfriend flail. Funny. Girl power! She must have taken lessons from the Spice Girls.

5:30 am Faith Evans song over – manually change iPod to play I Love Rock ’n Roll cover by Britney Spears, infamously sung in her movie debut “Crossroads.” Oscar-worthy performance.

5:31 am Hot air again. Vacuum man has returned. What is going on behind me!?! Is this really necessary?

5:33 am Hot air still blowing. Wondering if this is a nasty plot to get a rise out of me, or to convince me that normal people don’t come to the gym at this hour. Feel flustered, legs hurt, am tired. Ohhh, Death Cab for Cutie video on TV! Heart rate returns back to normal.

5:35 am Manually change iPod to play songs from my Good Footie Mix, named in honor of my right foot when it healed from last year’s stress fracture. Play Shake Ya Tailfeather by Murphy Lee, Nelly and P. Diddy.

5:39 am Realize this is a long song. Very long. Tailfeather is tired of shaking.

5:40 am Song over! Switch to Breathe, Stretch, Shake by Mase. Peek under the towel to see how far I’ve gone – still a bit shy of two miles. Haven’t I been on this machine for at least an hour already?

5:43 am Rumors by Lindsay Lohan on the iPod. Officially ends the streak of music I had been playing in an effort to recapture my experience at PURE in Las Vegas a few weeks ago. Sigh.

5:45 am Lindsay’s tired of rumors staring. And sick of being followed. As am I, as vacuum man is back again.

5:46 am Ohhh, look at the TV! It’s that "Love Links” commercial with Kate from Lost!

5:47 am On the iPod, Jagged Edge wants to know Where the Party At. I, too, would like to know that the same thing. Perhaps I was not invited.

5:51 am Determine that the party is definitely not here, at the gym, on the treadmill. But I have completed three miles and drop the speed to 3.8 while I catch my breath.

5:55 am Move into the weight room and collapse on the mat. Am annoyed when I catch a glimpse of my messed up ponytail in the mirror, which has not inexplicably fixed itself. Complete 60 sit ups before moving on to machines.

5:57 am Bicep machine. Is 12.5 pounds really the lightest setting I can choose? Sit down where indicated and stare at the choices, trying to will a 5 pound option. I am unsuccessful.

5:59 am Finish bicep machine and move to tricep machine. Feel confident I can handle the 12.5 pound minimum on this machine. But not necessarily with Fly by Hilary Duff playing in the background.

6:03 am I persevere and don’t fly away, just as Hilary has requested. Workout complete! Go to the locker room and gather belongings. Does anyone know where the party at?

I eat more than dirt.

Get Noticed!

So today I begin with a burning question regarding that MTV show (yes, I do watch a lot of cable, thank you very much) Miss Seventeen. Where did these girls come from? And, more importantly, why, with so many different reality contests out there, are they fighting to win this one? I get that there are a few (nice, some would say) prizes at stake – a college scholarship, a paid internship at Seventeen and their picture on the February cover – but despite these rewards, it seems awfully suspicious…

Let’s start with the college scholarship. I feel I must point out that almost 30% (5) of the girls competing are 20 or older – and in their last few years of college. I’m all for offsetting expenses, and know that a scholarship is a great way to do this, but is this really the only one you’re qualified for? And, at age 21, are you willing to admit that you’ve at least read Seventeen magazine enough to (1) be familiar with the contest, and (2) enter it? When I read Seventeen, back in the day, I think I was around 13 years old…I certainly wasn’t reaching for it on the way to college to get advice on the ten CDs that would help me relax or what to do if my roommate turned out to be a kleptomaniac.

The second incentive is the paid internship at Seventeen. Okay, this, I will admit, may be the most worthwhile of the prize package. Having had an internship myself in college, and needing to give up hours at my part-time, paying job in order to do it, I can appreciate the desire to get paid for doing relatively meaningless, somewhat inconsequential administrative work in exchange for the privilege of putting this employment down on a resume. But after just watching episode 9, where each of the three remaining contestants struggled during their turn being editor Atoosa’s (yes, I said Atoosa) assistant, I worry – if they can’t handle answering phones, faxing and using a computer, an internship just about anywhere probably isn’t what they should be looking to do in the near future. Just my two cents.

And finally, the February cover of Seventeen magazine. Probably would have made me jealous if, again, I was back in junior high. But now? Check out some recent headlines that would be appearing alongside your image:

"Makeovers! 650 Fashion, Hair and Makeup Tricks!"
"Get Great Legs!"
"Look Pretty!"
"17 Real Life: She Killed Her Mother" (yes, is on the cover of the January 2006 issue)

I don’t consider myself a feminist, but I don’t necessarily think being featured next to a "Look Pretty" headline will win me many points in most professional settings. Nor do I think I’d fare much better, in the eyes of most people, next to the "She Killed Her Mother" caption. Exactly what void is this magazine trying to fill?

My money’s on Jessica.

Welcome to Talan Town.

I gotta admit – I feel a bit like Doogie Howser, MD as I write this. Particularly as I watch the words I’m typing appear on this Microsoft Word document. It’s almost as if there’s a camera right behind me, watching, following each letter as I hit each key, just like back in the Doogie days…I read somewhere that when you think about it, Doogie himself was probably responsible for the advent of the blog. A doctor and a blog-inventor – amazing that Wanda didn’t latch on to him sooner.

But enough about Doogie. Today’s topic is one that’s quite a bit more compelling and one which, as hard as I’ve tried not to give credence to, is now necessary given his official web site which I stumbled on earlier tonight – star (by his own definition) of MTV’s Laguna Beach Talan Torriero.

Because I refuse to endorse Talan to the two people who I’ve told about this blog (who may be reading this post, thanks!) I’ll refrain from providing the URL address (although savvy surfers will be able to locate it in about half a second – hard to imagine some crazy fan didn’t try to snatch that domain away before Talan could register it himself). But a cursory glance at the site just begs for some commentary, courtesy of me, on things I have now learned about Mr. Torriero himself.

You might think that Laguna Beach is Talan’s only television credit. But you’d be wrong to think that. In fact, he’s been acting since the age of 6, with credits under his belt including an appearance in a regional commercial for Dick’s Sporting Goods. Wow, if that’s all it takes to label yourself as an acting professional, I suppose I’m right up there with the T-ster – after all, at age 5, I was on a local news broadcast called PM Magazine, during prime-time, doing kiddie aerobics to Eye of the Tiger by Survivor.

Talan is computer literate. Or at least he claims to be, as is listed in the “Special Skills and Interests” section of his web site. Something I suggest, as a professional in the non-acting world, he brush up on every once in awhile, as familiarity with computers may come in handy if his performance as a supporting actor in Driftwood doesn’t fare as well as he anticipates. He also lists that he is fluent in English. Actually, I take that back – it doesn’t say fluent, it really says “Languages: English.” Thanks for the clarification.

For just $1.99 (the current bid on eBay), I can own my very own autographed Talan Torriero framed, 8 x 10 color photo. And it’s totally authentic – the person who’s auctioning it off is a “personal friend” of his and is willing to go the extra mile to accommodate special requests (side note to Becky - you do have a birthday coming up…). And, as if it could get any better/more affordable to own a piece of Talan myself, I can choose from THREE different pictures. One is a really scary close up, one is of him running out of the ocean and the last one is of him clutching a very uncomfortable-looking pug puppy.

Holla back, Lo.

She likes to eat the dirt.

The phrase describes one of the least enchanting activities my puppy likes to partake in when outside, particularly on days like we've had recently, when the snow has melted, drowned the existing grass and left the ground below damp and uncovered, hers for the taking. You'd think it'd be easy to prevent a 15 pound dog from inhaling a face full of mud, but trust me, it's a lot harder than it looks. She likes to eat the dirt, so who am I to really stop her?

Thus begins the start of my blog, all conceived around the idea of dirt. For some, like my puppy, that means dirt in the literal sense. For me, I suppose it means a compilation of dirt from a broader perspective - things like gossip, chatter and general nonsense. A place, I suppose, for me to share my opinions on the dirt I care to discuss without worrying about engaging someone else in the conversation. Which, I know, on the surface, sounds really sad (doesn't it, though?!?), as if I'm not actually interested in having the two-way communication. But really, as I start off my first of many of my dirt topics, I think you'll see why the things that occupy my time and energy may not as appealing to others as they are to me.

Inaugural dirty topic for Sunday, December 11 - Please, someone, admit, like me, that you watched the Making the Band finale on Thursday night.

For real, people out there, 'fess up. I mean, I watched it. Could hardly contain my excitement during the weeks leading up to it. I've spent the last two seasons hooked, crossing my fingers for Aubrey and Aundrea (unique spelling, by the way) to see if they'd outlast P. Diddy's cuts. And, thankfully, not to ruin it for those of you who may not have caught the show, both did (whew!), along with three other girls, none of whom I was rooting for as much given the others didn't have nearly as much screen time as A & A. They still haven't announced the name of the newly-formed band, but don't think I won't be first in line to get their debut album.

For those of you who might have missed the episode, no worries! Here is a quick synopsis so you can be in the know as to what happened:

1. Girls reunite with each other after a few months away from New York. Takes place on a seemingly random street corner and involves lots squealing, commotion and hair extensions.
2. Girls meet individually with Diddy and his crew (choreographer Laurie Ann, vocal coach Doc and talent manager Johnny), where he asks them what they've been doing with their time off (most common answer: working out).
3. Girls get their pictures taken after receiving pointers from Naomi Campbell, who just happens to drop by (how lucky is that!).
4. Girls get interviewed on the radio by meanie DJ who mocks Denosh for being a back-up dancer for Mariah Carey and Aubrey for wearing something resembling a curtain. The only one who makes it out unscathed is Dawn.
5. Girls dance all of their routines from this season at NYC Sports Club while Diddy watches. Laurie Ann yells "boom, cat, cat" multiple times during various dances. I wonder if this is how all choreographers speak, some special animal/dance lingo.
6. Girls sing in various groups of five, with Diddy rotating people in and out to see what looks good, what works, what doesn't. Editing suggests that Aundrea won't make the cut and I silently begin to pray.
7. Girls sing individually in the studio. Side note: by the time the fifth girl gets up to the microphone, I know the song just as well and can also sing it.
8. Girls are seen eating for the first time in the episode (which appears to span over several days) while Diddy, Laurie Ann, Doc, Johnny and Andre (music exec) decide who will be in the band. Aubrey and Aundrea provide an uncomfortable moment for viewers (and, I suspect, for other prospective band mates) when they cry over the bond they've developed through this whole process.
9. Diddy announces who makes the band and they perform one song before the credits roll. Girls who do not make the band stand around and watch.

And with that, you've gotten your first taste of the dirt which makes up my world.